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[Random the Navigator]

Brenda's brow creased slightly; she wasn't aware of anything she'd said that might have constituted not giving Ash a break.  Was "really taught him" an insult today, when she'd meant it as reassurance that the job had been thoroughly done?  If not that, then what?  And why was Rick being prickly, of all people?  Even if she chalked it up to everyone, including herself, having had too little rest with too much on their minds, it didn't bode well for any kind of deep conversation.

But before she shared that thought, before she decided whether she should just leave, she had to know something.  "So you talked to Tangek?" she asked Rick.  "Saved me the trouble?  How'd that go?"

The matter of educating Ash was something she could address after this if she stayed, or later in the day if she followed her gut and excused herself.  And as much as Ash and Enya were diametrically opposite personalities, she knew they'd been growing on each other lately - Enya on Ash more so than the other way 'round; and, Brenda thought with an inward smile, she could talk about that pairing all day.

  -:-

Ash had only intended to splash some cold water on her face, comb her hair and slip into some shorts - or maybe sweatpants, she thought, considering the weather.  But she had the same problem now that she'd had after the airlift: All the "warms" were now at Hometree.  And for people who wore "little bitty nothing" (as Enya would say), even shorts provided more insulation over the thighs than most Na'vi had ever needed.  So she didn't have spare leggings, other than the ones she'd worn in-link yesterday, and those were getting borderline suspicious, if not yet funky...  Where at all did Brenda do laundry?

Ash was only just coming to realise it now, after awakening to the presence of the frontierwoman this morning...but in her mind Brenda had become something like the gold standard by which Ash subconsciously measured herself.  Brenda knew how to make it out there.  Brenda knew more than Hell's Gate did about what a human could eat on Pandora, and what needed to be done to it to make it safe to do so.  Brenda made crafts and clever inventions from things she found on the land.  Brenda was strong; Brenda was sturdy.  Brenda was an artist (well, she claimed it was Tall Brenda who drew those sky-maps, but Ash still found it difficult to believe that an Avatar not named Enya could have her own talents and interests).  Brenda was a poet, if the way she described things was any indication.  Brenda was most definitely a deep thinker, maybe even a philosopher.  She knew impossibly more about driving than Ash ever would, even after eight years of watching and talking to other people who did it; even if she survived this crisis.

The only things Ash did better than Brenda were physical anthropology and labwork, neither of which Brenda had any use for.  No, the Armenian astronomer had come out here and offered herself, her knowledge and her resources for nothing more than an extra filter pack and a look at Enya asleep.  She'd gotten a lot more out of that first visit than she'd asked for - a place for Tall Brenda to heal; a spot for the B-shack on the other side of the quad; and plenty of Enya.  Well, at least Ash didn't have to envy her for that...but how she envied her for almost everything else!

But this was the shape of Ash's life right now.  She'd done and told and said more than anybody wanted her to.  Now it was her turn to sit quietly, to ask and watch and learn, to be humble and open and childlike.  She didn't know if she could do it.  She didn't think she had anything to offer, anything to share in exchange.  But if an interval of discipleship was what it would take to not feel so damned superfluous whenever Brenda was around, then she'd be the most attentive pupil in all the history of mentoring...

~ Don't be silly, Ash.  You don't have the temperament, the patience, or the will. ~

...No.  She was not going to listen to any more negative self-talk.  And if she found herself beset by it anyway, she would just take herself to the nearest warm body of water that had a source and an outlet and wash it away.  This shower, for instance; it had a head and a drain...  Yes...the shower would do just fine.

She stepped into the stall and got the thing going, then imagined herself becoming one with the steam in her air passages and the "tropic rain" running down her back.

[Kiyevanie]

"Well... it kinda came up while we were talking about masking the shacks. I went to enlist his help and somehow ended up with something deeper." Rick grimaced. "I kinda asked him for ideas about how to make this place here - well, not loveable, but at least a little bit less disgusting and we ended up discussing the overall situation." He quickly summed up his talk to Na'vi healer.
"Jeez, Brenda, I knew he was unhappy, but it goes so much deeper than just not liking how the place looks and smells. There's so much else that's missing, all the people, the songs, the stories, the interactions - like, everything he and his family need to breathe and feel alive. And no, we can never replace that, few as we are; and of course we're such a mixed bag of people, too much skypeople influence in the whole setup. I told him about Atreyu and the new settlement, but in some way I think it makes him feel even more as if his Clan is falling apart - ya know, makes everything more real. And I have no damn solution for that whole mess, neither has he."

He hid his sigh behind another sip of coffee. "He feels trapped by the situation, there are tensions and brawls in the family, seems he and 'Iheyu had some heated discussion about the situation, how to move on from here and ain't talking to each other right now and it breaks my heart to hear that. I told him to get at least that out of the way as fast as possible by talking to his beloved - those two don't deserve another wound to fester."

[Random the Navigator]

Brenda gave a half-smile.  "Got good news for you there, Sport," she began.  "I talked to him before I set out today.  Apparently Tali nudged 'Iheyu in his direction after they set up Ni'tingal's egg yesterday.  Apparently this happened right after I turned in!  Said she should really check with Tangek as to whether she was allowed to lift anything..."  Now her smile expanded into a grin.  "I think they were both ready to declare a cease-fire and were just looking for a graceful way to do it that wouldn't involve any grovelling.  Tali gave them the perfect excuse...  Ain't he a wonder?"

She downed the rest of her coffee and finally took a bite out of her second arepa.  "Anyway, they've been talking for a couple of days about hauling the kiddos out to Hometree every now and then, or sometimes Enya's 'biiiig floaty mountain', or maybe Atreyu's settlement.  Enya says he can't be grouchy if he gets to fly off almost every day, now, can he?  And then they'd get to see other Na'vi doing different things, maybe even meet the Tsahik like Enya wants to when the lady comes back, say Hey to old friends and make new ones..."  The grin faded, but not the optimism in her voice.  "He's not any happier about being here than he ever was.  But he's willing to see if a new routine'll help.  The main problems are manpower and time, and now that Tsanten doesn't need so much minding, the other healers can give him that.  Yes, that means 'Iheyu's gonna be a working single mom again those days.  But it should also make for some memorable father-son and -daughter moments."

[Kiyevanie]

"Tali's a treasure!", Rick agreed. "It's what I told Tangek right away - he said something about us needing Tali and Enya for 'entertainment value' and I told him straight to his face that he's underselling them. Tali's a bright kiddo, already a better scout than many I've seen in the army several times his age, and Enya... well, the whole thing with Ni'tingal's egg would have turned out different without her. They're both so much more than just 'entertaining kiddos'." To be honest - if Rick's life had turned out differently - maybe if he had married Cathy, they'd someday left the army to build a civilian life... well, if they had ever made it so far as to have kids he would have considered himself lucky if they had turned out like either Tali or Enya. The way things were he was just proud and happy to have those two in what he started to think of as his extended family.

He peeked out of the window where Tali was checking the fire. "Seriously, 'Iheyu and Tangek can be proud of them. And you're right, some father-son or daughter time will be great for all of them. Tangek's right in a lot of ways - one of them being that we're all sitting too close to each other, even without Enya or Tali those flights will do good. Ya know - some air to breathe, literally. Spending some quality time." He paused, eyeing Brenda. "That Tsanten doesn't need so much care anymore means a little more breathing room for the healers, true that. We should see that there's gonna be more of that in other areas too. For example, like pulling our own weight here with gathering food and all those other little things that need to be done. Gathering firewood and manure ain't enough in the long run."  He pointed at his still bare feet. "I need to take lessons in leather working anyway - already grew out of my boots, probably gonna grow out of the rest of my clothes either. I also wouldn't mind learning something about hunting, Pandora style. Heck, the list goes from here to Earth, if I think about it." Slight mischief showed up in his eyes. "Yepp, that means I'll try to enlist you for teaching either - and not just about how to read those link pod monitors."

[Random the Navigator]

"Don't knock firewood and manure," Brenda quipped.  "Leaves and twigs either.  First we keep from getting bombed, then we stay warm and fed, and then we can inaugurate Pandora Polytechnic Institute.  Of those three, we're doing a decent job with 'warm and fed'; we're working on 'Don't get bombed'; and we're taking applications for Pandora Polytechnic.  Popular majors so far: crafting and survival skills, with electives in cryptography and both fine and performing arts.  We're even putting together a phys-ed program and a cross-country team..."  She smiled.  "You know, one of your old Presidents said something once - hmm, how did it go? - Oh!  He said 'We study war and politics so that our kids can study math and philosophy; they study math and philosophy so that their kids can study painting, poetry and music'...or something like that.

"You know, we've actually done a hell of a lot here, all things considered.  Time to start making that pay off in more kick-around time for everybody.  I'm sure 'Iheyu and the others could use some mental health days too.  I mean, what does Silronsem like to do when she's not fixing either people or breakfast?  Does anybody even know?  And who wouldn't like to go on a day-long horsie ride with someone else, or watch Enya's hammock come together in the cabin, or sit outside with Tsanten once it's warm enough?  We need to make it so any two people can take a day off, separately or together, and just be."

[Kiyevanie]

"Pandora Polytechnic, huh?" Rick grinned. "Consider me subscribed into the majors, the phys-ed program and I wouldn't mind joining the cross-country team. I'll think about the electives later." The grin turned into a light laugh. "Think about it - coming lightyears from Earth to finally get some finer education. Even if it means to collect more manure to keep from being bombed and more firewood to keep us warm."

He looked out of the window again. Tali had gone by now, but Kenten was still tending to the fire and Silronsem now made it out of the cabin where she had spent the night. The healer stretched, yawned and then ambled over to the fire to grab an arepa, calling something that only halfway made it through the walls of the shack, but probably was a "thank you" to the baker.
Kenten held out a leather pouch to her and she reached in to take something out that she sprinkled over the arepa, then rolled it up and started eating.

"Well, for a change Silronsem had the chance to eat something someone else made for breakfast", he commented with a smile. "But I get you... she's been all duty in the last... uh... don't ask me how many weeks. Kenten too, and he's also missing his friends from his - uh - pongu? Everyone needs some time off to regenerate. We've been so busy with surviving that we didn't get much time to actually live. Doesn't mean that the overall situation ain't still shitty, but the Blessing might have given us a breather. A more than necessary breather."

[Random the Navigator]

"You got that right," Brenda concurred.  "Especially about time to really *live*.  We had a longish meeting in the cabin a couple of days ago; it started out like this one, me asking what I missed while I was out, but it got into some quality-of-life issues too.  You know, that was the first time most of the Na'vi had ever really had a chance to talk about it, or maybe even to think about it?  So it got interesting.  I probably don't need to tell you this, but these guys are refugees, with all that means, and it means a lot to me.  Been there/Done that, you know?  So maybe we understood each other on that level.  Ni'ka was actually pretty surprised that that could happen to a Sky Person too, and for the same sorts of reasons.

"So we talked about it from that angle, and about kiddo excursions that were as much about the grown-ups, and about the threat to Hometree and why they can't go back for keeps...  Rick, the kiddos know a lot more about that than they've let on, and they're handling it - yes, even Enya.  We talked about the dangers here, and why as much as we all miss Alice, that bad things could happen if she ever found out our physical location...or knew that I was here at all."

Now her voice filled with compassion; she still hurt for everyone in this mess and their individual struggles.  "But it wasn't just the situation.  We talked about anger management and staff-fighting; I do believe Enya has it in her to really hurt someone once she knows how and can keep her balance.  But we also talked about tender things, and how not to let our anger or the Red take them from us.  And that's the night Enya decided she was gonna 'put being mad away' and go make up with Ash.  And she felt so much better once she did!  Another loop, a different-colored yarn, but I really think that meeting might have been when we started to knit together as a community.

"Ash has missed out on most of that, not because she's a terrible person but because she just hasn't been home.  We're sad about that - even me; even Tangek; but especially Ni'ka, 'Iheyu and Enya.  Ash has friends here, Rick.  She needs to hear that.  Nobody hates her; the big debate is whether we should be close by or out of the way while she heals."

[Kiyevanie]

Rick nodded. Nothing of what Brenda said really surprised him. Well - maybe apart from Enya being able to hurt someone, loving person that she was. But after a moment of thought even that did make sense. Enya wasn't just loving, she also was passionate, she had a strong sense of justice and the need to protect the ones she loved. She definitely had the inner strength of a fighter. And it wasn't surprising she had built a whole bunch of anger after everything she had seen and been through... For a moment he treasured the image of Enya taking her staff and give the guy responsible for all the crap that had happened the asswhooping of their life.
"Yepp, that's what I thought too. That's a mistake a lot of people make, thinking kids are stupid, just cause they're young. Neither Tali nor Enya are stupid in any way - they're both bright, look around with open eyes. Of course they notice what's going on. It just sucks that they have to, ya know?"

Then he turned his eyes towards the tiny bathroom. "About Ash and healing..." He shook his head. "I think it will help her to know she's got friends here and to have 'em around. Just not right now. 'kay, she might surprise both of us, but I think she needs a bit to readjust after whatever happened at Hometree. Last night she didn't want to meet anyone yet - she needs some more time. But afterwards?" A small smile appeared on his face. "She might still need her space, but my gut tells me she'd like ot have people around."

[Random the Navigator]

"'Not right now,'" Brenda repeated.  "Works for me...  I reckon you two do have some things to talk about, don'tcha?  And Ash especially doesn't need me moderating the discussion.  Not if it's about feelings and deep impressions and things that rattle you to your foundations.  Sounds like it might be that.  And for her, especially, it might take a little practice talking about those things at all."

She got up, yawned, and reached for her rebreather.  "Okay, I'll catch up with the story whenever you guys are ready to share.  Right now I need to catch up on my sleep...  Thanks for sharing breakfast.  Tell Ash what I said about how you two have really made a life in this place, and about having more friends here than she maybe realises.

"I keep thinking that maybe, in a couple millennia, someone like Solanda is gonna dig up this complex and say 'You know, there was actually a There there.'  And they'll ask themselves all kinds of questions, like why there's Na'vi pottery and human coffee mugs around the remains of the hearthfire, or whether a beaded armband was something besides jewelry, and they'll look at the post-holes for the obstacle course and wonder what was built there.  Maybe someone'll even guess hurdles and towers and monkey-bars.  And then they'll wonder whether it was maybe a human place for rehabbing hurt Na'vi, and wouldn't that explain all the rest?  And the beauty of it is, they'll be right."

Her eyes and mind on the airlock, Brenda didn't notice Ash approaching behind her until the latter cleared her throat.

"That...that was really beautiful, Brenda," said Ash.  "I can actually see that happening..."  And then her more usual awkwardness overtook her; she actually looked embarrassed for having had the thought, let alone for sharing it.

But Brenda's eyes were soft and kind behind the mask.  "Thanks, babe; that means a lot to me, coming from you."  She grinned:  "But now that I've got this thing on my face, I want to get it off ASAP, and I can't do that 'til I make it home!"

She threw her notion of a salute to the couple, then ducked out.

  -:-

[Kiyevanie]

Rick nodded back, the gesture being as much acknowledgement of the things Brenda had said as a good bye.

"I think it's a beautiful thought too", he said once Brenda had left the habmod. "What they might find will be the things we built. Together."

[Random the Navigator]

"'Together?'"  Ash looked skeptical as she made her way to the little table.  "We have, yes, you and I; and as long as it was just you and me, I think I was doing okay except for the guilt.  We've certainly done some worthwhile things.    Rescuing Ni'ka; rescuing Tsanten; nabbing the shards..."  She smiled at the memories, but then sat down heavily.  "But that was before we brought Enya's family here.  Since then, what have I done 'together' with anyone else here except worry them, trip them up or drive them crazy?  Have I built anything?  Have I provided for anyone?  What would those archaeologists find here of me?"

[Kiyevanie]

"Don't discount those things we... you... did there", Rick replied. "They might be the reason this hypothetical archeologist has something to set foot on and not a burnt out, Vrrtep-consumed dead lump of lifeless space stone. So that's a pretty huge thing to find." He raised a brow. "That is one of the reasons I like Brenda's thought - it means there's something left to dig up, ya know?"

"But even if we put that aside - dunno if I got that right last night, but it seems we'll be spending some time here, so who says that you won't build anything in the future? Those monkey bars Bren was talking about, they're not out there yet. We haven't shared our last mug of coffee or made our last, or even first, part of pottery. While you were in the shower we were talking about it. Pandora Polytechnic. And taking the breather the Blessing gave us to just... live a bit. And indeed together. Whatever happened, you have friends around here and I think as soon as you're ready they'll be happy to see you join."

[Random the Navigator]

"Oof..."  Ash palmed her forehead as if she wanted to massage away a migraine.  "Please, I've had enough of the 'Save the World' talk to last me a redwood's lifetime...  We're excused from that, remember?  You just said so yourself."  Lowering her hand, she looked up again.  "It's in the Tsahiks' hands now.  What we did was go places a Na'vi couldn't go, to fetch things a Na'vi can't handle safely.  That's not nothing.  But if this moon is going to be saved, it'll be because we helped them help Eywa.  And you know what? --I'm fine with not getting the credit, because that means we don't carry the responsibility either.  At least, not all of it...and we've done our part, we've done what humans can do.  Now we let the experts take over."

Finally she reached for her long-since-cooled cup of coffee and an arepa from Brenda's basket.  "Actually, Ali'ite said something really intriguing about that...  She said the Na'vi aren't the only ones suffering this time, that humans and Avatars are here now and so they're caught up in this too.  So the solution is up to all three 'kinds'..."  She paused to mull that over afresh, which left her looking awed but also a little unnerved:  "...and she said that Enya's already got the Avatars covered.  Like they're their own thing.  Like they're part of how this happened.  Like they had to help make up for it too..."

[Kiyevanie]

"And I wish those experts all the strength and success that's needed." He raised his mug in a silent salute.

"About the Avatars..." He put the mug down again. "Well - they are. Their own thing, I mean. I know the initial idea was to lab-create something, yaddayadda, but we all know that Avatars turned out to be something much, much more. I know Enya from back in the day when Solanda still was alive and it was an eye-opener from the first time we realized that there was so much more to her. So, yeah... they're their very own kind, even if they have parts of Na'vi and humans in them. Like a kid - got parts of both parents, but are still their very own people."

"About how Enya got 'em covered? I know as much about that as you do, but the way this world works it could literally be everything she's done. From her playdates with Navie to fussing about a shellshocked Ni'ka, helping Tsanten up to saving Ni'tingal's egg." A grin showed up on his face. "You should have seen her yesterday - she almost flew up that hill and dived right into Ni's nest. The rest of us all had our hearts in our pants and loincloths, well, besides Tali. Somehow Ni'tingal considers Enya some kind of special chick and I'm glad it turned out that way."

He paused. "If ist's one of those or the million other little things - I don't think she had to do anything, I think whatever she did, she did it cause it simply is what she does."

[Random the Navigator]

"I'd've had something else in my britches or loincloth," Ash smirked.  "I'm pretty sure if I'd seen that I would have shit myself.  Was she always that brave and a little bit reckless? --No wonder you two hit it off!"  She laughed.

"But that's Enya for you, isn't it?" she continued.  "She's a child, and the world to her is pretty simple - when she sees something wrong, she has to fix it or make it better or maybe just not so bad.  From what I've heard here and there, it's the times when she can't do anything about it at all that get her most upset.  Kind of like me that way...  This sitting around doing arts and crafts when I feel like I ought to still be on a mission is gonna drive me insane.  Who's got time for a sabbatical?"  She frowned; then she parked her chin on her palm and directed her gaze through a window, her eyes growing distant, and she said nothing further for what must have seemed like a long time.

[Kiyevanie]

"Always that brave and a bit reckless?" Rick thought about the tree event and a few other stories and nodded. "Yepp, I think so. It's part of who she is. And I think with the Blessing we'll see a lot more of that." He grinned. "Gonna be fun!"

For a while he watched Ash look out of the window, obviously deep in thought, probably a thousand miles away. "Okay", he finally started. "What exactly did the Tsahiks say yesterday? So far I only got bits and pieces - that 'we're off the mission' part for example. What Ra'nah said about the future of the Clan. The thing about the red eyes and singing you lullabies. But I'm still trying to make head or tails out of it." He sighed. "I know the feeling of 'hey, there's still so much to do', but sometimes another part of the troup just has to take over for a bazillion of reasons. You get used to it after a while. Plus - downtime is important. Nobody who wants to win a war runs their troups ragged if it's not absolutely necessary."

[Random the Navigator]

"Well..." Ash began, facing Rick again.  "It was...strange...  The whole thing, I mean.  The meeting...  When we got there, some of the Tsahiks were already making comments about why should a tawtute be involved in this at all, and if one had to be, why did it have to be me?  ...Rick, Ni'ka had to talk me into going into that chamber.  Fortunately, Ali'ite was not one of the doubtful ones, or I think I'd've found a way to disappear into the woodwork...

"So, much to my unpleasant surprise, we hardly talked about the mission at all.  We spent almost all morning talking about me.  And a lot of things they said hit home...  And a lot of what I said back probably sounded like excuses...  And I got upset, and Seze's eyes turned red, and that all by itself almost undid me - Rick, I thought in another body I'd be safe from that!  But Ali'ite sorted me out, and they all decided - myself included - that they should never have asked this of me, because I was a child in all the ways that hurt the mission most, and I know nothing about being a child because I was sickly and sheltered growing up, and anyway it was your job and I just came along to make sure you didn't face it alone.  'Iheyu's idea, and because of it she's had to keep secrets from her family...her children...her mate..."

She seemed on the verge of another bout of self-hatred; her eyes even started to tear up...but then, in the awkward duality she was living in now, she smiled a little and said "But it was a good thing to realise that about myself.  I'd never really considered how much my illness affected the person I became.  I was too busy doing so I wouldn't have to think.  But now that I've been discussed, I kind of feel sad for young me, and relieved that she's getting another chance.  It's helping me a lot with forgiving myself.  No, I haven't beat the martyr complex - I have one, you know it, but you're too sweet to say so - but at least now I know where the handle is."

[Kiyevanie]

"Okay, no arguing the martyr complex then - I wouldn't lie to you anyway", Rick stated, then took some time to make it through everything else Ash had just said. "First of all - don't feel guilty about 'Iheyu having to hide the whole thing from her family. Yeah, that sucked and my heart hurt for her, but as you said: it was her own idea, she's an adult and can make her own decisions. Maybe you coming along wasn't the best idea in the end, but nobody could know before." He paused. "Not that I'm not more than glad that this is finally out in the open - we got too much secrets going on lately and they hurt too many people."

"I'd be a lot more alarmed about Seze's eyes turning red if you hadn't told me before that it's an emotional thing and that it can be stopped by a lullaby. Gonna have to trust Ngatapa on this one. Although it spilling over to Seze ain't the best news of the day." He sighed. "Guess we're all coming out of it scarred one way or the other, even the innocent ones who deserve it least."

"But I dunno about that stuff of you not having had the chance to be a child", he finally mused. "Yeah, your childhood was crappy, for your illness and everything else that came out of that. No discussion here. But you've still been a child - being a child comes in many flavours after all - and what happened back then made you into the adult you are right now. With all the pros and cons. Yeah, you tend to obsess over things, but that also makes you strong and strong-willed. You grew up alone and that makes you wanna take on everything alone, even when there are others around who'd share the load with you." He raised a brow. "Guess that's where that martyr complex comes into play again... So, you learning to let go, play, rely on others - I'm totally on the Tsahiks' page here."

He caught Ash's eyes now. "You know I love you - and it hurts like hell watching you trying to fight out everything on your own, keeping the rest ouf us out, but I also know where it's coming from. That isolated childhood you were just talking about - relying on your own, it's a survival strategy for you. And doing instead of thinking -  been there, done that. Heck, why do you think I came to Pandora in the first place after Cathy's death? To keep me from thinking - I wasn't doing, I was running." He smiled now, even if it was a bit crooked. "So maybe it's not as much about being a child, it's about learning to let go. To face the things we've been through, accept them in some way, grief for what couldn't be - and then open up for something new. And, yeah, to have fun. I just told Brenda that it's something we forgot about lately - we were so busy with doing, as you say, that we forgot about actually living. But we might have a breather here and get a chance to actually use it for something else than pure survival."