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[Kiyevanie]

Ni'ka felt Ali'ite's eyes rest on her as well as on Ash.  And Mohani's.  And Ka'hi's.  And most of the other Tsahiks', and for a moment she felt like a child again--one who was being watched by the Clan Elders because she had been caught playing a prank.  Then she realized that all the gazes were assessing, but also friendly and kind.

So she closed her eyes, listening deeply to her spirit, her feelings, everything that was inside.  Because a question like that wasn't answered easily or lightly.

"It...it's been good to be with the People again," Ni'ka finally started, hesitating.  "At Hometree.  And - and I've talked to people I've missed and learned things that calmed some of my fears."  She thought about the old Olo'eyktan's promise about the Tompa'tanhi Clan living on in the future.  "I've also learned about other things that made my heart heavy, but they still came along with some hope."  She gave Ali'ite a half-smile, meant not for the Tsahik but for a woman who was worried about the health of her mate.  "And I've learned about a lot of Blessings, the ones given by the Great Mother just the other night - and the one so close to Hometree She must have given a long, long time ago."

She smiled now.  "Especially the last one, your wonderful hot springs.  They took away a lot of the burden the world has placed on me.  The warm water helped drive away the cold from my bones - and from my spirit as well."  Then the smile disappeared.  "It still can't completely take away the burden of the time the Red was placed on me."  She looked down.  "But...but maybe it's a burden I shouldn't place on Na'vie.  Maybe with time and more days like this one, I'll learn to forgive myself for the things I must have done.  Because I've learned that the people here already have."

[Random the Navigator]

Maru, the male Tsahik, smiled.  "I think the ones you harmed have forgiven you also.  But that is a thing easier to show than to tell; the Heart of Eywa, Who has shared Her love with you, is a good place to learn that for yourself.  Enya is right, you know; it is 'the place where praying goes', and it is also the place for broken people.  You two don't feel broken, not now; not like this morning, or when we first met.  I am glad something here has made the difference.  But as long as the Trees of Voices are silent, the Heart may be the only place where our lost ones can bestow their forgiveness upon you themselves."

"It will be good to have that burden lifted from you," Ali'ite concurred.  "And you won't do the Blue Lady any harm.  No one you know bears it as arms against you; Na'vie won't retain it long enough to notice either.  This is the meaning of release."

Ash looked on, struggling within herself.  Part of her was happy that Ni'ka, at least, was most likely going...but what about herself?  Would she be jealous if she didn't get to come too?  And in view of what she was learning about the darker parts of her nature, she had to ask herself...did she want to be jealous?  Was it comforting to have that as an excuse?  Why would she want this when she knew it would just be more fuel for the Red?

She nudged her mind away from the troubling question.  "Release, yes..." she began, then focused outside herself again.  "Ali'ite, we visited your mate this morning.  He's doing better than expected, but I suppose you know that; I'm just kicking myself for not having asked before.  And he...  I swear we didn't mean to talk business with him, but we were talking about the Blessing, and this moved him to tell us some things.  Things about acceptance of change; things about release..."  She thought about mentioning responsibility too, the way the old Olo'eyktan took responsibility for burdening Ash unfairly, both with the mission itself and with the oath to keep it a secret from (she thought) a People sorely in need of hope...but she concluded that his admission of fault was not her story to tell.  So she trundled on:

"He flat-out said he was releasing me from my burden.  I don't know what he meant--the oath I took?  The mission itself?  This troubles me...  If I'm not helping Eywa, what am I doing?  But what he said was 'Allow yourself to be a child again.  Take time to heal.'  I'm not sure what that means either...  I was really hoping to find healing in the Heart.  For the shard, for my brokenness...for everything..."  Her tone held the tension of fading hope, of the expectation of disappointment.  How swiftly this had come, when she as yet didn't know if there would be a reason for it!

'Ohana caught the little hitch in her voice.  "'Was', child?  Do you not hope for this healing now?"

"I do, but...something tells me I'm not gonna get it," she murmured in reply, looking down.  "Forgive me; I've never been much of an optimist..."

[Kiyevanie]

By now Ni'ka was used to the fact that if there was a choice between more than one option, her friend tended to assume the worst one.  Part of her could even understand where that was coming from; there had been a lot of bad things happening lately, and after all, Ni'ka had felt them herself as directly as anyone could feel them.  But there had also been good things happening, things that gave hope.  So there wasn't a need to always assume the worst, and definitely not now.  As this was Ash's time to speak, she kept her silence, but she sent an encouraging and hopeful smile.

"Nobody said you weren't or aren't helping," Mohani said.  "Don't think the People haven't Seen what you have been doing all this time, even to the point where you gave too much of yourself.  But Ra'nah is right - the burden that was placed on you was too much and too heavy, and you need to be released of it before you break.  And don't ask yourself if it was about your quest or the oath, as both of them belonged together.  If a hunter is carrying prey that's too heavy, it doesn't matter if it's the head or the haunches that weigh him down, it's the whole load.  And you've carried that burden for much too long, everyone can see that."  She smiled.  "You need to heal and you will."

Still her voice and stance didn't tell if that meant Ash would go with them to the Heart.

[Random the Navigator]

Ash didn't glower at the older woman; she had that much respect, at least.  But her slumped shoulders and the set of her ears spoke volumes, and she knew it.

"Look," she sighed irritably.  "If I tell you how I really feel about this--if I even let myself feel it all the way--I am going to get upset.  And then my eyes will change color and I'll start saying things that will totally kill my chances of going there at all, ever.  I can't even think of spending the rest of my life with that thing in my arm--or acting like it's still in my arm--and lashing out at the least provocation, hurting the ones I love and almost guaranteeing that I'll never make another friend in my life.  And who's to say that in that much time, Vrrtep's not gonna figure out how to make me a tool after all?  Don't you See it??  Two trips to the Heart of Eywa didn't heal me in my human body.  Not even the Blessing did that.  I thought I'd try my luck with this one...a Na'vi body, capable of that sense of oneness with this world, which I think might be the missing ingredient...  I've always kept myself apart from people and things, mostly out of fear or embarrassment, but I couldn't do it in my Dreamwalker form if I tried.  But if I can't go or I don't go pretty damn close to soon, how on Earth or anywhere else am I supposed to heal??  Because it's becoming pretty obvious that I can't do it on my own!!"

Ali'ite reached over and cupped Ash's chin in her palm.  It was a gesture meant to comfort, but also to hold a person's attention.  "Ash...dear, dear child...no one has said that you cannot return to the Heart.  What we are trying to do, you no less than the rest of us, is to determine if that is the best course for you right now, right here, as you stand today.  You will go eventually, trust me, because you are right--the ultimate healing for what the shard did to you can only happen in the place where Eywa is strongest.

"But there are other healings, Ash.  Ones that can minimise the influence of the Red and make it more manageable to live with; ones that will bring your condition under your control.  For what it's worth, you carried the fragment itself in your very flesh for weeks on end, and yet the Red could not take you.  Now that it's out, all you have left to fight are its echoes.  You've already won that fight, Ash, whether the wounded things in your spirit realise it or not.  That realisation can take time, time you need.  And the healing it brings you will take more time than that, because not everything harmful in your soul is because of the shard.  You brought much of the hurt with you when you came to this world, this daughter-moon, one of so many that circle the globe which owns the sky."

"Time I need," said Ash firmly, "is time the world hasn't got."

If the statement had been meant to rock the gathering back on its heels, it failed.  The Tsahiks were well aware of Pandora's situation, more so than any outsider could be; nothing any Dreamwalker said could come as a surprise to them.  Instead, at least two of them had spotted the one small ray of hope in what Ash had said: That she couldn't avoid the Unity in her Na'vi body if she'd tried.  'Ohana and Maru exchanged glances; they meant to pursue the thought if someone else didn't, or if doing so would not drive it back into hiding...

[Kiyevanie]

Ka'hi too had perked up on Ash's mention of Unity when she was Dreamwalking.  And she noticed how hard Ash was trying to control herself, to not fall into another tantrum again; something she hadn't tried so hard to do earlier that morning. The Tsahik had no idea if the Dreamwalker had really noticed that she had already made a step on her path, but as that path was still fresh and new, she decided to not point it out...at least not directly.

"I think you're right," she said.  "Your visits to the Heart might not have done all the healing that you need because you went there in your Tawtute body."  Actually Ka'hi had always wondered about that, why it had to be human Ash and not Dreamwalker Ash who'd been sent.  It had never made sense to her.  "A huge, important part of you was missing, was staying behind at that camp of yours.  And as we have all learned this morning, the hurt in your spirit affects the both of you, Tawtute and Dreamwalker, so of course both have to be healed."

She looked at Ash much more softly than she had done initially that morning, by now Seeing the Dreamwalker's brash manners for what they were: desperation.  "Ali'ite's words carry wisdom, that you need to heal the hurts that aren't caused by the demon.  But I think there is more...  I think that for your healing, it's better the more you feel connected with the people around you, with the world around you.  Not worried, not guilty - connected.  And something tells me you are pretty new at that and that it might be a good thing to make this connection stronger."

Leaning in she touched Ash's chest, right over the heart.  "I know the thought doesn't feel comfortable.  Patience is not your strong side, everyone can See that."  She smirked.  "And I can relate here, not being the most patient person either...but sometimes taking time even if you're in a hurry might be the fastest way to go."

[Random the Navigator]

Ash smirked.  "You mean like Rick says about fixing the chopper--'If you ain't got time to do it right, you ain't got time to do it over'?  Thanks a lot..."

"Actually," said Ali'ite, "we should be thanking you.  I hear you saying without saying it that you fear your efforts have been wasted; they have not.  Were it not for the actions of you and your mate, even a group pilgrimage like the one we are about to undertake might not do any good.  This was the first time Na'vie has had dealings with anyone not of the People, and it is the Tawtute and the Dreamwalkers that she must understand if the world is to be put right.  This isn't just a Na'vi problem this time.  It affects everyone on the face of Eywa'eveng, and the Tawtute and the Dreamwalkers suffer just as much as the People.  Likewise, the solution lies with all three kinds.  If you had done nothing else, you two gave Na'vie a clearer understanding of the Tawtute at their best and at their most broken...and I believe Enya has the Dreamwalkers covered on both counts."  She chuckled.

[Kiyevanie]

"And on a more practical level - I don't think anyone of the People could have gotten the crystal shards out of the place the Tawtute kept them," Ka'hi added, her tanhi flickering slightly in something almost close to fear at the thought of a group of Na'vi having to sneak into this strange, alien and hostile place.

Ni'ka hadn't been close to Hell's Gate, but she had seen the place where Tsanten had been found.  Yes, when she saw it on one of her scouting trips it had been already destroyed by the Alpha, but still all the straight lines had made her feel uncomfortable.  And that had been a place of good Tawtute, not the ones who were trying to destroy her home.  So the huntress understood Ka'hi's almost-shiver, and she nodded to the young Tsahik's words.

"It is like that in a Clan," Mohani said with a smile.  "Everyone has their tasks and skills.  You have fulfilled a lot of tasks that couldn't have been done without you.  Now it's time for you to rest and leave some other Clan members to their tasks.  Don't worry, there will be a time when your skills are needed again, and it will probably be sooner than we all can tell now."

"Like in a hunt," Ni'ka guessed.  "There's a time for the scouts and trackers, a time for the hunters to go out - but when we come back, the cooks and gatherers and crafters take over and we can rest."

[Random the Navigator]

"For that matter," said Maru, "who is to say that your Tawtute form isn't the best one for scouting in a place like that?  Ka'hi can't see any of us going there, and I can't see any of us getting away with it if we did.  Even if we did not attract attention, surely the Tawtutes' spaces are made for people their size.  That's no place to be stuck if you don't already know your way around...  So maybe that one time, your smaller body was the only one which could have pulled it off at all.  You and your mate, being small and creeping like treewees in the shadows...  If you haven't noticed, the People have a distinct tendency to glow in the dark."  He gave the group a half-smile, one that Ash found herself returning in spite of her fretfulness.

Ali'ite's brows lifted; apparently she hadn't considered the thing from that angle.  She still didn't understand why her mate had sent Ash as a human the first time; but for the second trip, the tunnel raid, being Tawtute had been Ash's own choice...and, for more than one reason, a good one.

"There's another thing," she said, "and it applies to your situation now as much as it did then.  No one in a body like ours could have safely handled the crystals at all.  No one.  Perhaps the venom doesn't affect a Dreamwalker the way it does a Na'vi, but I doubt the demon's heart itself is bothered by such a fine distinction.

"On this journey, we are taking the fragment which was removed from your arm.  The thing still lusts after you, and I don't want you any closer to it than absolutely necessary in either form.  You say time is of the essence, and you speak the truth.  But I believe the Blessing might have bought you a little more of it, enough for both your selves to heal...or did you think poor Seze could make a trip of any length in the shape she's in now?"

Ash frowned a bit, suddenly thrown off.  "Umm, Seze...?" she asked.  "Who's 'Seze'?"

Ali'ite chuckled.  "Why, your Dreamwalker, of course," she explained.  "Tali told us the name you gave her...and I finally got someone to tell me what a 'sprout' is.  I think 'Blue Flower' suits her rather well, don't you...?"  By then, she was practically beaming.

Ash had to grin.  "I...I suppose it does!" she replied.

[Kiyevanie]

If Ash was smiling, Ni'ka was beaming as much as Ali'ite now.  "Oh yes!!!  It fits her so well," she deeply agreed with the Tsahik's choice of a name.  "This morning in the hot springs you were swimming in clothes of the People, and now your Dreamwalker has a name of the People!"  And names were important, everybody knew that.  The first sense of her coming back to herself had been remembering her name.

To Ni'ka 'Sprout" had been always more of a nickname, like something a mother might give her baby before it was born.  But now 'Sprout' had grown out of that, becoming an important part of Ash's personality and, yes, she needed a proper name - and now she had it.  And given by a Tsahik, no less!

Then her eyes widened as she thought of the rest of Ali'ite's words.  "You will take that shard along?" she asked, concerned, biting her lip.  "Yes, I think it would be better if Ash and that thing don't come close for a while."  She remembered the first days after fighting off Vrrtep's influence.  "It's hard, those first days fighting off the Red," she said.  "It doesn't want to let go."

[Random the Navigator]

Ash bit her lip again, the moment's merriment dissipating; then she sighed.  "I guess that answers that question, huh?" she said resignedly, distancing herself a little.  "I don't know why you people put me through all that just now if the very basic issue of safety disqualified me from the first.  You know I wouldn't do anything to endanger my Avatar, not on purpose; and as it is, Enya's already tanned my hide and tacked it to the wall about neglecting her for days under the mistaken impression that she'd be safer at home on her sleeping-mat.  Brenda set me straight on that; she said as long as I shared like I was supposed to, Spr--umm, Seze would have at least as good a chance of surviving this as I do.  I believe her.  The crap in my human body is already affecting this one long-distance, and travelling with the shard--especially when she's undernourished--is just asking for trouble.

"But you guys have known or suspected this all along.  So why the grilling?  Why the Q-and-A?  Why all that stuff about talking me into staying home for other reasons?  Was that some kind of test?  Would it have changed anything if I'd passed?  It would still be dangerous to both of me."

[Kiyevanie]

That was a valid question, Ni'ka thought.  The Tsahiks had tested both of them, even though they knew that the shard would go to the Heart this time - a thought Ni'ka herself wasn't very comfortable with, traveling that close to something that had been part of Vrrtep's prison.  So she eyed the group of Tsahiks intensely, wondering what had been the reason.  Because there *had* to be a reason; no Tsahik ever did something without a reason.  A whole group of them even less.

Mohani sighed.  "I know, it might have looked to you that way.  But we didn't 'grill' you to make you feel uncomfortable."  She chuckled quietly.  "Although I know that being asked about so many things feels that way to many people."  She got serious again.  "No, what we needed to find out was, what would be more dangerous for you and your spirit?  Waiting for a few more days to go to the Heart - because you *will* be going, you need to - or taking the risk to send you and the fragment along on the same journey?"  She looked around at the others.  "Me, I think you will hold on for a while longer.  Your spirit is strong and you've fought off the demon's bad influence for a good while already, even if it doesn't completely want to let go yet."

[Random the Navigator]

"Ah," Ash uttered, nodding sagely in a parody of one who has just achieved Enlightenment, though of course she didn't feel she'd done anything of the sort.  But she did give it some thought.  "Yes, you were saying that the question was whether I'd be coming along on this trip or a later one...  Okay...  Still, you could have mentioned that travelling with the shard was a bad idea; it'd've saved me getting my hopes up."

'Ohana crooked a brow.  "Child, were your hopes actually 'up'?  Ever?  It has not seemed so to me.  You came braced for a denial, a rejection...  Why?  You don't have to answer that unless you wish to; these times don't make for merry hearts.  But your request is not being rejected.  It is only being delayed.  We have not said 'No', only 'Not yet.'  Your safety is one reason.  I don't know if there are others.  But for my part, from the way you talk about the situation, you really could use a break."

Ash couldn't honestly argue with that.  "So what would you suggest as a hold-me-over?  Ask Rick, ask anyone--I'm trouble when I don't keep busy," she said with a little frown, not liking the fact.

Ali'ite smiled.  "I don't know, dear; maybe a few more visits to the hot springs?"

Ash almost exploded.  "You mean you've been spying on me all morning??  So Ru'ni, the healers, everyone...you sent them to keep an eye on me??  That's just...just..."  Her eyes flashed, but the rest of her reply was lost in her sputtering.  "You...you deserve whatever I would have said just now if I hadn't choked it down first!" she finally spat.

The Tsahiks just weathered the outburst until Ali'ite judged that the Dreamwalker's ears had opened sufficiently again.  "No, dear, we were not spying on you," she said bemusedly.  "But you came in damp and mellow, and I can't think of anywhere else you might have gotten wet unless it's raining in my family's nook.  And as for anywhere else you might have gotten unwound, why, I don't think there's anywhere else in the world at all..."

[Kiyevanie]

Ni'ka blinked at Ash's outburst in confusion, but waited until Ali'ite had spoken.  "Ummm... Ash..." she started carefully.  Even if she had been less empathetic than she actually was, she would have noticed that Ash didn't take the idea of a delay any too well.  "Don't you remember?  I've told them how much I loved the hot springs out there and how much they helped me to warm up body and spirit."

"That you did," Ka'hi agreed, smirking slightly.  "And the thought that the two of you have been there together shouldn't have been too far fetched.  Especially as the two of you are still damp, as Ali'ite said."  She eyed Ash's clothes - the ones the Dreamwalker was wearing now and the still wet ones she had worn for swimming - as well as the wet blanket-towel Ni'ka had dropped at her side.

[Random the Navigator]

Now the only red on Ash's features was in her ears.  "Oh...umm...yeah, right.  My bad..." she stammered.  "Umm, you guys do know that I can make an idiot out of myself just fine, don't you?  Don't answer that..."

And they didn't. Instead, Ali'ite returned to the original question.  "As we were discussing..." she said benignly, spreading her arms in a gesture that dismissed Ash's budding embarrassment just as easily as it had come.  "I think you wanted some suggestions on what to do with yourself while we're out...?"

"Yes, ma'am," Ash responded quite a bit more humbly.  "I can't just soak for three days or a week or however long it's gonna be..."

"No, I think you have more important things to do," the Tompa'tanhi Tsahik replied.  "Pleasant ones, I think, but they'll be a bit of work...  Getting to know Enya, for example; or getting to know Seze; or communing with Rick; or mending fences with Tangek--and maybe ordering him and 'Iheyu to report to the pools...without their children."  Her smile and twinkling eyes were full of mischief.

[Kiyevanie]

"I like the idea of sending 'Iheyu and Tangek to the hot springs," Ni'ka said.  "They deserve a bit of time to relax."  The hint of mischief in her eyes very well matched Ali'ite's, but there was also warm affection in there for her adoptive mother and the healer who were just about to form a deep bond.

She tilted her head at Ash.  "Remember how we have talked about making the camp look more natural?  That could fill in for a lot of those things - you will get familiar with Sp...Seze, share ideas with Enya...just be part of our Clan without any urgent task looming in the background."

She wasn't quite sure if she should include herself in those activities; Ali'ite's words had sounded as if Ni'ka would be coming along this time.

[Random the Navigator]

"'Our Clan'...right," said Ash, as if she didn't quite see their little group that way.  She looked at everyone, Ali'ite especially, as this related to something her mate had said.  "Ra'nah told me something like that; I was saying stuff like 'What Clan would want me?', and Ni'ka said that four of us--five, counting Brenda--had been touched by the Red and broken free.  I guess that makes us a Clan, kind of, right?  Ra'nah seemed to think so.  I'd told him about all the times someone at the shack was there for me--aiding me, upholding me, forgiving me, and in Kenten's case even keeping me from killing myself--twice.  But...except for me sticking by Rick's side while he Changed, that's all about what people have done for me.  What have I done for them to deserve to be a part of that, that they'd miss me for it if I didn't come home some night?" she asked anxiously.  "I've been a pain in the ass, that's what, and the healers especially don't need the extra work.  But Ra'nah is convinced that they carry me in their hearts...  What can I say to that?  How do I let them in?  How do I even face them when I go back?  What do I tell them?"

[Kiyevanie]

"Ash, that's not true!"  Ni'ka shook her head with emphasis.  "You did do things...for me, of course, and you will always have a spot in my heart.  Without you I wouldn't be sitting here.  And there's Rick, of course he cares.  And then Tangek - he might be irate with you at the moment, but he'll never forget that you helped Tsanten when he was in so much pain."

She hesitated.  Ash's problem with opening up to others was completely alien to Ni'ka.  Back in her lowest moments, when she had almost lost herself, it had been opening up to others that had helped her.  Still, she wanted to help Ash, even if she wasn't sure how.  "You are part of the Clan, and that means you have a spot in all our hearts.  Even if sometimes people might think you're a pain in the txim to them.  That doesn't make them stop Seeing you as part of us all."  How could she explain to Ash that she could be a part of the network if she'd just let it happen?  "You don't have to do much," she suggested.  "Just sit with everyone at the fire.  Listen to them talk and then give back in talking too, about the things that are important in your heart and your spirit."

[Random the Navigator]

Ash pondered for a moment.  "Like the one time, the first time we all got to have dinner together and really talk?" she asked Ni'ka, then shared it with the Tsahiks.  "There was a lot to that meeting--me and Rick finally sharing Na'vie's secret openly, since Enya had already gone and spilled the beans anyway; Tangek telling us we'd better be ready to share the 'hero' role with Brenda and anyone else who allied with us; Tangek again, demonstrating 'talespeech' by making Tsanten's story into an epic; Enya showing us her insanely clever code-string...  Those are the things that stand out to me.  I haven't taken a poll or anything; I don't know what most of the others remember as stand-out moments.  But Tiye told me that the most real thing she'd ever seen or heard from me was when I sang that little song from when I was wee-small...'You Are My Sunshine'.  She said that was the first hint that any of them had gotten that there was a warm, real person under the uptight attitude, and that she'd like to get to know that person...  Like that?"

"Just so," Ali'ite nodded.  "How did that feel for you, hearing that?  Do you remember?"

Ash blushed a little, smiling at herself.  "Embarrassed as hell, to begin with; I just wanted to crawl back into my little specimen drawer and be Ash the Scientist again.  But then...well, when she said she thought she'd like me, it warmed me inside.  Made me really wonder what I was missing...  I want  to be liked; everybody does.  But you have to know how conflicted most humans are.  We all want to be remembered, but very few of us really want to be known.  It's too scary, letting others inside.  I'm scared that way...really scared.  But between that bonfire and the few times I've had anything like it happen since, I have to admit that a big part of me really yearns for that kind of experience...like our talk in the cabin; like Bonding with Kilvanä; like Enya forgiving me...or like the peace and the sense of belonging I felt in the pools.  Yeah, those.  Ni'ka got to talk about her time there, and I thought for sure I was gonna get a turn, but we sort of got main-tracked..."  She pretended to pout, secretly rather pleased with herself for coming up with an opposite for 'sidetracked'.

"See, it was the same way for me there as it was for Ni'ka," she continued.  "The warmth seeping into my bones and warming my spirit too.  I was just kind of floating on my back, surrounded by peace and warmth; and...thoughts filtered into my head that I can't really explain except the way Enya does: That I was forming a space in my soul for that place, and that it seemed to be forming one for me, and that each of us would carry the other for all time.  That's what I was thinking of when I was trying to hold my temper just now.  Okay, nothing's foolproof; I still contain fear and rage and hurt.  But I imagined the river carrying it away, now that I've learned what 'carrying away' feels like..."

The others nodded, noting not only the things the Dreamwalker was saying, but the fact that she had enough insight now to say them.  Had the pools changed her that much...or had all she needed been the chance to let her mind drift and see what came of it?

[Kiyevanie]

"I think that's all there is to it," Ni'ka said quietly about Ash's idea about opening up.  "Just be yourself.  Not the scholar, not the one who wants to make up to anyone; just Ash.  Rick's mate, the one who showed me the meaning of the word 'friend' again.  The one learning from Enya about gardening.  Maybe Tawtute are scared to let others inside, I don't know for what reason...but there's no reason to be afraid to let the People inside."  She smiled faintly.  "It's what kept me sane and fighting against the Red, you know?  Allowing you and Rick and everyone else in, it kept the Red out."  The smile got a bit more confident now.  "And if you don't get it right the first try, it doesn't matter.  We all need to practice something."

Ka'hi was also thinking of the experience at the hot springs.  "Try to keep that feeling in mind," she suggested.  "The warmth, the floating as well as the feeling of your anger and fear and hurt being carried away.  That and the help of your part of the Clan at your camp might not only help you over the time until it's safe for you to travel to the Heart, but might also already start some healing."

[Random the Navigator]

Ali'ite smiled.  "Then you have known that feeling before today," she surmised.  "The being part of something, and the desire for more of that and closer in.  I'm sorry if we've disguised it in lofty terms like 'the Unity' and 'connectedness'...  But you've done this, Ash.  You're not a complete stranger to friendship, neither the giving of it nor the receiving.  A novice, yes.  But not a stranger.  You've had a few forms of that experience you can now call upon when you need them to show you the way.  Just keep reminding yourself of that and it might not be so scary."

" 'k," said Ash, Enya-wise.  But her shy smile rapidly faded as she pondered the new particulars of her situation.  "Look...I'm tired of alienating everyone," she said.  "I'm tired of being a stranger.  I was really hurt by the look I got last time I came back to the shacks; it was like everyone went 'Uh-oh...we'd better watch ourselves...'  I don't want to be the party pooper anymore.  I don't want the conversations, the activities, the life in that place to stop when I show up.  But they do, and it's because nobody feels that they can be themselves as long as I'm hanging around looking for excuses to get upset.  Yeah, I've caught myself doing that a few times, even today...  I've really punished them verbally every time I didn't think they were measuring up.  And here I am wondering why they keep their private thoughts from me...

"But there it is.  That's the mess I've made for myself over there.  I don't know how to explain to Rick that I'm not going.  I don't know how to explain it to the others, either--they're really counting on this trip to straighten me out.  And I'm coming home too soon with my tail between my legs and the Red still in my eyes...  That's not the position I wanted to be in when I started mending those relationships."

Maru managed a smile that didn't come across as the least bit mocking.  "If you're worried about your tail, you could always leave Seze here..." he said mildly.

"Thanks a lot," Ash grumbled back.

[Kiyevanie]

"If she did that, Enya would have her hide again," Ni'ka smirked.  "For leaving Seze behind...  By the way, my tsmuke will love the new name!"

She focused on the concerns Ash had mentioned.  "First of all, I don't think you'll have to explain much to Rick," she began.  "He won't be happy, true, because he's worried about what the Red did to you, but he sure won't blame you for that.  And the others..."  She sighed.  "It's true, they won't be happy either, because things have been strained at the camp, especially with Tangek."

"This could be your first try to open up to people," Mohani said softly.  "Most of what we were talking about today isn't a secret if you don't want it to be.  Tell them what we have been talking about.  Tell them that we See your need for healing, but that we also See that - even though for you it might not yet feel that way - you have made the first steps on that way.  And tell them that your pilgrimage isn't called off - just delayed until you can make it to the Heart without having to travel together with the cursed shard."

"'Iheyu and Tangek are healers," one of the other Tsahiks added.  "They won't want to jeopardize one of their patients - and one of their patients you are."

"Nobody said it would be easy," Mohani now continued.  "You probably will feel 'embarassed as hell' again, but as far as I remember nobody ever died of embarassment.  And I've seen quite a bit over the years."

[Random the Navigator]

"You need to talk to Rick, then," Ash said dryly.  "He says the only thing that can kill a drill sergeant is embarrassment..."  And then she had to explain what a drill sergeant was.

"And as for Tangek," she continued, "the last time I ticked him off was right after he came back from flying off in a rage from the time before that.  If I was him, I'd  ditch me; he'd only be following Tiye's example, and she flat-out did resign as my healer.  Yes, in so many words!  She said the strain of our relationship was getting in her way and becoming bad for my health.  And Kenten's not a healer, but he's positive that I'm gonna have another outburst, and I don't have to tell you how the folks over there are going to feel about that.  Everyone else is in wait-and-see mode...but what they're waiting to see is if going to the Heart in my Avatar makes things any better.  If I don't even go, I doubt they're going to put up with much more of me...and I can't expect any leeway if I go off on them again."

She sighed.  "I think for now I'm just gonna tell them it's a bad idea for me to travel with the shard.  I don't dare tell them I've changed any or that things are gonna be different.  They won't believe me.  I've said that too many times.  I've never experienced such a lack of trust..."  She hung her head.  "I think, for this time, the less I say, the better."

[Kiyevanie]

Ni'ka loved Ash dearly as a friend, but she knew that a lot of the things Ash feared held a lot of truth, even if some points might be a bit exaggerated - probably looking like worse obstacles when seen through the glasses of Ash's fear.  And, to be honest, Ni'ka was running out of ideas and words.  "Maybe it's about you trusting them this time...?" she started, but wasn't really convinced about that approach.

Her ears drooped - she was trying her best, but it seemed it was not enough.  But after all, she was a huntress, not a healer or a Tsahik or even a Tsahik's helper; and what was more, she still needed to sort out so many things in her own life and spirit.  Her ears drooped some more when she realized that, as much as she wanted to help, she might have reached her limits.

"Oh child," Mohani sighed.  "You really are anything but an optimist, aren't you?  You said it yourself, and you'll do anything to prove that claim.  So, maybe they won't believe your words because you've said them many times before.  Seems it's time then to show, not tell.  If they don't believe your words, they might believe your actions over time."

Ka'hi, on the other hand, wasn't quite as patient as Mohani.  She gave Ash a glance that contained all her frustration.  "Ash," she said, her voice straight and clear, "you want and need healing, that's true.  And you will get it.  But there's also a part you have to do yourself - you will have to look into your companions' eyes again, so..."  She took a deep breath: "So for the love of Eywa: We are all trying to help you, but we can't do it without you doing your part.  And for now this part means facing the people that share your place."

Ni'ka winced.  The Tsahik's words had been true and maybe even necessary, but not exactly kind either.  But, well - maybe that was exactly what Ash needed?  They had tried with understanding, they had tried with kindness; maybe clear, strong words would do the job where everything else had failed?

[Random the Navigator]

Predictably for anyone who knew her, Ash stiffened at the rebuke.  Whatever she'd learned today, she still saw herself as the same basic person, and the view wasn't always pretty.  Today she'd had to acknowledge any number of weaknesses: self-importance, pride, jealousy, rash speech, impulsiveness, isolationism, paranoia and a martyr complex, just to name the ones that had manifested this morning.  And now a Tsahik of the People was basically telling her to stop whining and deal with the harsh realities of her position...and she didn't like it one bit.

"All right..." she said slowly and acidly.  "You know, no matter how hard I've tried today, you people just keep on coming up with new ways to make me look like an idiot.  To rub my nose in my own messes.  Never mind that I'm my own worst critic...  Just what do you think you can say to me that I haven't already said to myself?  So if you people are quite done humiliating me, I think I'll just pick up and go home now...  I mean, what the hell, if I know I'm gonna burn anyway I might as well get it over with, right?"

But Ali'ite's look and voice were quite as firm as Ka'hi's.  "She speaks truth, you know," she said evenly.  "There are things we can help you with, yes.  But in the end, we can't do it for you.  We cannot deliver you from your situation.  Only you can do that.  It is very painful to face up to people you have wronged.  They may or may not forgive you...but that's their problem.  Your problem is summoning the courage to make the attempt.  You cannot control how others react to you.  But you most certainly can control what you do and say and how you choose to think about things.  And don't tell me it's the shard!  That's just a smokescreen; you know how to calm yourself; we've sat right here and watched you do it.  Take responsibility for your own actions and you won't need to fear casting the blame for your troubles on anyone who doesn't deserve it...yes, sometimes including yourself."

On the surface, Ash reacted to this by looking as if she'd just been spanked; but underneath the display, she was thinking...thinking...

Ain't no way out but forward.

~ Brenda,~ she thought to herself, ~ remind me to hug your neck before I break it... ~

  -:-

[Kiyevanie]

Once they'd finally left the Tsahiks' corner, Ni'ka was full of very mixed emotions.  A good part of her was happy that she'd get the chance to go on her own pilgrimage to the Heart, hoping to get the healing her spirit needed so sorely.  On the other hand she felt bad for Ash.  It had been Ash who had needed most to go to the Heart.  Initially Ni'ka had only wanted to fly her to Hometree, with a faint hope that maybe she'd get a chance to talk to one of the Tsahiks about her own troubles.  Surely she hadn't expected this outcome of the visit: Not only would Ni'ka go to the Heart and Ash wouldn't, Ni'ka would also have to let Ash face the people at the camp on her own.

And then again: Probably Ash hated the outcome, but in the long run it might be what she needed.  The Tsahiks could still See into someone's spirit...and sometimes the medicine needed for healing just tasted terrible.

The huntress wondered if Ash would still manage to carry some of the peace along she had found this morning.  She looked sideways, giving her friend a tentative smile.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "This didn't turn out the way we hoped."