Avatar Tails!
Avatar Tails => The Day the Planet Went Dark => Topic started by: Random the Navigator on April 30, 2018, 03:23:19 PM
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::: [ Crossroads ] :::
In all the time she'd spent at Hometree, Ash had actually really come to know only a few areas: the Commons; the sparring grounds; the upstairs and downstairs healers' wards; Enya's alcove (sad, diminished little place that it was now); the Council's meeting area; the Olo'eyktan's meditation spot. That still left almost a third of the ground floor that she'd never seen except when she'd been led through it, and countless sleeping, working, and social spaces in the upper levels, all woven together by the great Tree's inner struts and branches. She knew that a Hometree was actually not just one tree, but up to a dozen giants that had grown together, leaning on each other like the poles of a teepee; this was how there could be branches within it for travelling along and hanging hammocks. The Tompa'tanhi Clan was smallish, so its Hometree was small for its kind--just five trees intertwined, supporting each other and the people who lived within them. And of those five trees, she had perhaps explored two of them if you counted the spaces between them that formed the outermost rooms and niches...like Enya's alcove, which was only a few levels below the healers' aerie, which opened out onto the branches, including the one that had held her swing.
Now the young weaver guided them through the ever-denser thicket of roots that led away from the larger ground-level spaces and formed most of the smaller ones. It took quite a while before they passed beneath the 'center' of that particular sister- or brother-tree, and there were more dense root-clusters to negotiate before they began to thin out enough to see daylight again.
It was here that the party emerged into the lush fern 'valley' between a pair of massive external roots. Ash had only seen it in passing the last time she'd come and, eyes-front person that she was, she had taken no note of what was around her, only of the back of the Olo'eyktan in front of her. But now it occurred to her to question how such a healthy growth of such a fragile plant could even exist with the world the way it was. The first time she'd seen it, there had only been frost on the ground...everywhere except here; and since then they'd had freezing rain and ice. How did this place escape the touch of the rainforest's first real winter?
But the humidity told a story, the basalt outcrops told a story, the rich black soil under their feet told a story--a story of long-ago volcanic activity and a cluster of young sibling trees growing out of the fertile ashes. She was no geologist; perhaps Solanda, Enya's former driver, could have told her the particulars--or, come to think of it, so (probably) could Enya herself. But now that she was paying attention, she recognised the landscape around a geothermal hot spring that had long since stopped belching out colorful but caustic minerals and yielded to the plant growth that lapped around its borders. This thing happened on Earth in places as far north as Armenia and Iceland. And these Na'vi had settled here over an underground channel of very warm water. Probably deep underground; even the Commons wasn't low enough to benefit from its heat. She wondered if the subterranean ceremonial chambers, the ones initiates descended into for their Dreamhunts, were warm; if so, she would suggest that the most fragile of the remaining Clan members be housed there, if doing so would not violate some taboo.
Now the roots that arched over their heads gave way to a rock ledge that partially overhung the valley. Already Ash could smell the sulfur springs that emerged at the other end of this half-tunnel, and she smiled. And then they came to the place...a chain of round, wide pools with bubbling vents underneath; with the basalt overhang on one side, dripping so much with the steam that it looked like a thin waterfall, and the bottom of which had eroded out into a smooth, gentle slope that made a good place to sit; and on the other side, opposite the rock ledge, a strip of black-sand beach backed by yet more ferns and cycad-like trees. A Jurassic landscape, she thought, and she remembered a friend back home who'd liked dinosaurs... What was he up to now?
She eyeballed the overhang again, which was just tall enough; imagined a certain childlike Avatar diving off of it; and couldn't help a huge grin.
"After you," she said to Ni'ka, eyes shining. "But Enya's gonna love this place...!"
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Ni'ka had no idea of geology or volcanic activities in the ground, but she had the keen senses of a hunter. So, following the weaver, her ears had swiveled left and right, and her nose wrinkled while she was sniffing the air to identify the unfamiliar scent. Her skin had noticed the air getting a little bit warmer and more humid, and of course she noticed the growing ferns, strong and healthy where most other plants were trying to adjust to the cold.
Then the path opened up to the springs and Ni'ka's jaw dropped. In an instant she was sure that she hadn't seen a place like this before; how could even the Red have destroyed the memory of a place like that? The steamy air was warm, the water looked more than inviting, and the slope and beach looked like a perfect place to play, recover and rest.
She nodded to Ash, beaming. "Oh yes, she's going to love it!" She winked. "Like I do!"
Cautiously she put a toe into the water. "Oooooo - that's good!" She quickly followed Ru'ni's lead in removing the delicate feather necklace, dropping it on a flat rock and cleaning herself from dust and dirt in the small outflow of the pool, then stepping in, enjoying the sensation of warm water caressing her skin.
Now she turned back to the weaver. "This place is a blessing in itself," she stated, finally submerging neck-deep into the water.
Ru'ni, already a few steps ahead, grinned. "Oh yes, it is!"
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Ash looked after Ni'ka with a wide smile, eyes shining in anticipation. But when the huntress removed her necklace, which had been the only thing keeping her upper body "decent" by the standards of Western human civilisation, the Dreamwalker balked. "Umm...do I have to go in there naked?" she asked Ru'ni, her reddening ears lowered apologetically and her tail seeking refuge, Enya-like, around her ankles. "I, uhh, didn't bring a swimsuit..."
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Ru'ni blinked in confusion. "You don't have to, but do you want your clothes to get wet?" she asked, trying to make any sense out of the picture of embarrassment that was Ash. "My loincloth is going to dry quickly, but the feathers of the necklace don't like too much water."
Ni'ka, on the other hand, had seen the very same thing happening with Enya. "It's a cultural thing," she explained to the other woman. "For some reason, Tawtute Dreamwalkers don't like to show too much of their body. At least the females," she added, thinking about what she had overheard about Rick and the loincloth.
She looked at Ash, wondering. If Ash came into the water with all her clothes on, they'd be wet afterwards and that would be cold. "Maybe you can only keep part of them?" she suggested, remembering that sometimes Dreamwalkers wore more than just one layer of clothing.
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Ash took a break from flustering just long enough to smirk. "The males, too," she told Ni'ka. "You should see how Rick stammers and fumbles whenever I remind him about that loincloth..."
Then she turned to Ru'ni and tried to explain. "Ni'ka's right...it's just how we're raised, and our upbringing doesn't change when we're in these bodies. I know, you probably think it's silly or weird; and in my head I am totally on-board with people just taking a flying leap into a warm pool with nothing on but their hair and their attitudes. But it's a little different when I think about me jumping in with nothing on but an attitude... Well, maybe ditch the attitude, you're gonna say, right?" She smirked, then continued: "Look, I love the idea, but I can't make myself do it. And I can't make myself go in there in my clothes because I think they're dirty even when I've only worn them for half a day. And Sprout's been sleeping in these for a long time..." She looked keenly disappointed; the one thing she never seemed to be prepared for in life was *fun*.
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Ru'ni frowned - Dreamwalkers were strange! But she could respect the thought of not wanting to bring any dirt into the pool. "Too bad I didn't know before," she said, "or I would have brought one of the blankets along. They're clean and you could have wrapped yourself in them."
Ni'ka eyed Ash's shorts and boots. "For now - you could at least dangle your feet in?" she suggested. She felt sorry for her friend that she couldn't join the fun in there.
By now one or two faces were turned in their direction - they weren't the only ones who had come for a dip.
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"Too bad I didn't know before," Ash mumbled, the color making it to her cheeks. "I could have brought...something..." She wracked her brain trying to remember what in any of those crates might have made serviceable swimwear, and came to one uncomfortable conclusion: "Or not; Enya gave away all my modesty wear...or did you ever wonder what those 'baby caps' were originally for? Ohh, well..." She removed her hiking shoes and her socks, found a spot on a rock and dipped her feet into the water.
She was not prepared for the deliciousness of the sensation. Her face lit up like a little girl's; she swung her legs back and forth Enya-style, first together, then alternately; she kicked up a small splash, then a big one; then she found a lower rock and submerged her legs up to her knees. "Aaaahhhhh, yummmmm...!" she sighed ecstatically. Then she gave Ru'ni a shyly hopeful look. "Say, umm...I remember you guys were wondering how to dress Enya... She's found her own solution by now, we know...but did you ever come up with any prototypes--err, actually make one of your inventions? Something for her to try on? She's smaller than me, but maybe if it's loose enough..." Her brows knit; she pouted a little. "Or maybe you should just find me a blanket and show me where you do your laundry," she said resignedly; anyone could tell she'd rather swim in native-Enya clothing.
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Ru'ni bit her lips. "I can find you a blanket, but it's no fun for swimming..." Then her face lit up. "But of course," she exclaimed. "I remember 'Iheyu coming down, having a few ideas about clothes for her daughter."
She accidently caught Ni'ka's eyes, the dark huntress remembering the whole attempt to talk Enya into Na'vi clothes, and they shared a short smile. "They're not completely done yet; we didn't find time to make decorations. But that's even better for swimming, I think. Just wait here!"
And she darted out of the water, only to come back a few minutes later with a wide breastband, wide enough to reach almost towards the belly button, that could be adjusted in width at the back. And the weavers had actually managed to produce something reminiscent of Enya's beloved shorts - or, better, the pair of sweat-shorts that had been in Rick's delivery of "warms". Both items were made out of soft leather, the breastband being yellow, the shorts in a deep, soft purple.
Ru'ni looked at Ash. "Would those do?" she asked hopefully. She had brought a blanket as well, but hoped they wouldn't need it. After all, if those clothes would work for Ash, they'd probably work for Enya too, and they could be promoted from "prototype" to "model clothes".
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Ash's grin bespoke unadulterated delight. "Are you kidding? These are fantastic!!" she crowed. But then, being Ash, she stumbled upon a niggling detail: "But...these are leather... Won't they get ruined in the water?"
The question answered itself, however, as she fingered the items; they'd been treated with oil, the same oil the Na'vi used to waterproof their deerskin canoes--the children of the Clan well remembered how much Enya had liked diving into waterfalls, even if she'd been too hurt to try it while she was here. "Oops...never mind..." And without further reservation, she slipped into the pool and changed her clothing underwater; then, surfacing like a sea-nymph, she gleefully tossed Sprout's human clothing up onto her rock. "YAH!!" she exulted, tossing up her arms; and in that moment she felt she was letting Sprout be a childlike Avatar too.
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Ru'ni answered the grin with a very delighted one of her own. For one thing, Ash's gleeful attitude was catching - and for another, Ash had just proven that those clothes were fit for Enya's use as well.
Ni'ka didn't bother with grinning, but instead dove under, coming up again and sending a friendly splash in Ash's and Runi's direction. If Ash was letting Sprout be a childlike Avatar again for a moment, Ni'ka felt like the playful and irresponsible girl she'd been before her world had gotten turned upside down - the girl who had played hide and seek in the woods.
Then she blushed, her few tanhi lighting up. "Oooops," she said, thinking of the other people enjoying the water.
But Ru'ni just laughed. "There's nothing wrong with a bit of splashing games," she said, "as long as we take care to not involve anyone but the combatants." And she sent a splash of her own towards Ni'ka.
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Ash flinched when the water hit her; but then her pugnacious streak came to the fore and she paid Ni'ka back with about fifteen percent interest. After that, though, she wasn't really sure what to do. A sickly child, she'd never really been exposed to vigorous play. No one in her life, then or now, considered her sturdy enough to arm-wrestle, let alone to grapple with and tumble over like puppies the way that Enya pounced on anyone she thought could withstand it. And even her "bedsports" with Rick were usually cut short by some manifestation of her weakness. Leukemia last decade, the Red this year...what difference did it make? Her body always found a way to let her down...a lot like Enya's since her injury, she realised, except that Enya knew what she was missing.
So Ash did what she always had and found quieter, more solitary sorts of fun. She dove underwater and swam a bit, at first with her eyes closed...but when she opened them, she found her Avatar's eyes were not bothered by the alkalinity of the water. But of course...weren't Pandora's oceans, and even the fluid in the amnio tanks, at least a little bit caustic? What else about Sprout's body didn't she know that might come in handy?
She surfaced again after a while, impressed with her Na'vi lung capacity, then rolled over and floated on her back, just gazing upwards at the ferns and the rocks and the overhang, tail drifting below and behind her like seagrass. This she could do. This she could handle. If you could float at all, there was no way to do it weakly or do it wrong.
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Ni'ka's and Ru'ni's splashing game didn't last too long either; after a bit of giggling, both of them were happy to just enjoy the sensation of floating in the water.
Ni'ka gave a deep, happy sigh. "Somehow this is the first time I've felt really warm and carefree for a long while," she admitted. Yes, the campfire at the shack complex was burning brightly, and the longhouse was kept warm too, as was Tsanten's module. But still in the last days, especially while flying in nothing but a loincloth and - on the worst days - her hunter's poncho, she had found the cold creeping deep into her bones. Now it was warmth that was creeping in and driving the cold out, and Ni'ka enjoyed it deeply.
"I hear you," Ru'ni nodded. "This weather, it's just wrong, but you hunters and the gatherers just have to go out." She smiled. "But we might have something for you too, once we come back," she offered. "Even a pair of riding leggings will help, and after seeing what your friend Rick brought in for the 'evi and older people, some of the hunters made a few suggestions about something for your upper body that will keep the cold out and won't hinder as much as a poncho. Most of the ones we made are already being worn, and a lot of them went with the refugees, but we're all working overtime to produce more of them. Maybe one will be ready when we get back." She smirked. "Maybe we'll find one you can take along for Kenten as well - the two of you deserve it, after finding that Talioang herd."
Ni'ka's ears perked up at the idea. "I'd love to see and try that," she admitted. "It is cold out there." Then she frowned. "We aren't keeping you from anything, are we?"
But Ru'ni shook her head. "No, the Elder said I should take a break for a while."
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Ash was still alone with the sensations of warmth, floating, and the movements of the water. ~ Floating blue, ~ she thought drowsily, and wondered whether that was her own idea or if Sprout, on some subconscious level, had brought the association to mind. She remembered what Tiye had said about Tall Brenda, how they'd suspended her in her own hammock in a screened-off corner bathed in the blue light of Enya's miniature bladder-lamp; for all she knew, that might have kept the Changing Avatar sane. Could an Avatar lose its mind? she wondered. For so long she'd never considered them to have 'minds' at all...and yet, Brenda's solicitousness went far beyond the hovering of an operator waiting for a machine to come back out of the shop. Floating blue... It had calmed Enya, it had calmed Tall Brenda, and maybe now it was calming Sprout too, and calming Ash within her. When you came right down to it, weren't emotions largely a matter of brain chemistry? And wasn't brain chemistry independent of conscious thought?
Had Sprout been afraid, then, all that time that Ash had been gone? Had she been comforted by Enya's nurturing? Had she missed her driver, missed being awake, missed taking part in her world? Enya had said--insisted!--that she'd heard Sprout's prayers in 'the pretty place' as well as Ash's. Enya...Sprout needs you... How could Sprout "need" something if she weren't at least marginally aware that it existed and that it was missing?
~ This seems to be my day for finally stopping to think about things, ~ Ash sighed inwardly. But if it was a sigh of resignation, it was also one of release. The Olo'eyktan--she still thought of him as such, and would until another was chosen to replace him--had released her from...something. In the same stroke, he had released her for something else. Maybe that's what it was? Maybe she was being given time out to think?
She exhaled outwardly this time and yielded to the sensation of floating blue.
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While chatting with Ru'ni, Ni'ka looked over to Ash. The Dreamwalker was floating almost weightless in the warm water and her face looked relaxed and at peace...more at peace than Ni'ka had seen her for a long time, if at all. The Changed huntress smiled; no matter what the Tsahiks would decide, there had been at least one good thing for her friend, this time here spent in the warm water.
This is a place to heal, Ni'ka thought, now laying back in the water and closing her eyes in more ways than one. Closing them from the outside, from the cold and the stiff and aching muscles; but also from the inside. It was then that she realised how much tension she herself had been under, even as it was slowly receding from her body and mind.
On the other side of the pool a small group of women - for some reason at that time there were only women bathing - stepped out of the water, talking quietly to each other and reaching out for the blankets they had brought along so they would't freeze when they had to go back. This was an adjustment to the weather; normally nobody would have thought of drying themselves off after a swim. The group gave a friendly wave in passing, noticing the contemplatative mood that had settled over the three so-different young women.
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...And then the moment passed; if there was anything anathemic to Ash's psychological makeup, it was the notion of doing nothing. But she managed to get annoyed with her inner restlessness; she was so enjoying being weightless and disconnected from the 'real world'! So she arrived at a compromise: Easing herself upright, she went into some of her yoga exercises. There; that satisfied her need for purpose while at the same time allowing--indeed, encouraging--further communion with this pool, this valley, this experience.
As she did so, moving gracefully, hypnotically, her whole body becoming sea-grass the way her tail and queue had already, she found herself remembering 'Iheyu's meditation exercise: All that lives is an expression of Eywa's being. The yearning of a tree, the playfulness of the wind, the nurturing love of the soil...all are Eywa. You are one such facet yourself... As long as there is such a thing as life, Eywa has not completely deserted us.
And indeed she felt herself becoming a little fuzzy around the edges, finding something of herself in the water, the ferns and the rocks, or something of them in herself. Human Ash had never managed this. For Avatar Ash, it was almost effortless. How...? Wasn't this body a product of technology? What did its creators know about such things?
~ But of course, ~ her rational mind informed her; and because it was her rational mind, she gave it a lot of weight. She wasn't just wearing a Na'vi shell, it told her. Her Avatar had a queue, could Bond with anything a Na'vi could, and as far as she could tell, there was absolutely no difference between her level of communion with a Pa'li and, say, Kenten's or Ni'ka's. The connection was there, the spiritual potential was there. She hadn't just inherited Sprout's strength and limbs and senses. The RDA, all unknowing, had given her the whole package.
She decided she rather liked that thought; it was deliciously subversive--and when she finally opened her eyes, she greeted the world with a fiercely mischievous grin.
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After a while of soaking, Ru'ni decided that she felt relaxed and her back recovered enough to end her break. Watching Ash being focused on her yoga exercises - something that the weaver hadn't seen before but easily identified as some kind of meditation routine - she decided that Ash was probably less in a speaking mood than Ni'ka, who still had her eyes open, taking in the beauty of the scenery.
"Ni'ka," she quietly said, "I'm heading back to Hometree." She smiled. "I will see if I can find those clothes for you and Kenten, if you come over to the weaver's area before you leave again."
Ni'ka smiled back. "Irayo," she said. "For the clothes as well as for showing us this place. It's been exactly what we needed, I think."
"I can see that," Ru'ni agreed. "Especially for your friend, I think." The young weaver left the pool, drying herself with the blanket she had brought along, leaving the item for Ni'ka and Ash to use once they wanted to leave too. Then, with a last wave, she was gone.
With Ash still exercising, Ni'ka decided to swim over to the ledge with the waterfall-like dripping, letting the warm drops run over her. For the first time since she had woken up from her nightmare, she thought of her lost past with a smile, wondering what her family and friends would have made of this place here. They would have probably loved it, she decided, the same way Ni'ka enjoyed it.
After a while she noticed that Ash had stopped her exercises and opened her eyes again - and had a very mischieveous, very fierce grin on her face. Ni'ka swam back again. "Do I want to know what you're thinking about?" she asked, raising a brow and smiling too.
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Ash decided she liked the look of the dripping overhang, so she intercepted the dark-skinned huntress before hauling out onto the smooth, sloping foot of the ledge. "Ohh, nothing much," she then replied saucily. "Just Avatars...'scuse me, Dreamwalkers. I'm overdue to give them some thought, don't you agree? Especially when I know two of them who can smack me upside the head--one when she's linked in, the other when she's not--about the way I've treated this one." She put a hand to her chest. "I think I've found us another ally--this body here, and whatever innate wisdom is in it. I've never really checked out what it has to offer. More than I thought, I think... What I told Andy was just to impress him, but I'm not sure I really believed it myself. Then again, after soaking my head, so to speak--old human expression; when someone says something that is patently ridiculous, we tell him to go soak his head--I'm not super-sure I don't believe it, either. And if it or anything like it is for real, the RDA is in way worse trouble than they thought..."
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Ni'ka's second brow went up now - something that would have been much more impressive, truth be told, if her brows would have been a bit more visible. "You sounded pretty convinced and convincing while talking to Andy," she stated, leaning back to let some water run over her smiling face. "Maybe that's been one of those moments where people say more of the truth than they know themselves? But I know that someone will be very happy about you being on better terms with Sprout." Then her grin turned fierce and mischievous too. "If we want to bring the RDA some trouble, we should just do it right: We really should talk to Ngatapa about that training course he wanted to set up for Enya, for Rick...and for Sprout!"
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Now Ash's brows arched quite plainly, marked as they were by actual hair. "Umm, did I miss something?" she asked bemusedly. "Like, saayyy, the whole lot of you plus Ngatapa ganging up on Sprout in my absence? All right, out with it; I knew I shouldn't have left you guys unattended for two whole days!" And she sat back with her arms around her knees and awaited the tale, if such there was, of whatever Enya's extended family had cooked up in the name of homebrew "Avatar training".
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Ni'ka chuckled. "Ah, but we were ganging up on Rick too...and on Enya, and she was right in the middle of it. And don't think I couldn't do with a bit of that training myself...I was a better shot before the Red. So it's not only about a training course, but about many other things as well--like reading tracks, gathering, archery for the ones who want to learn it..."
Her mind went back to the evening they had been sitting around the fire. "I think it all started with Enya being worried about Sprout when you and Rick went to find those caves beneath the Tawtute camp. Ngatapa told her that he would care for Sprout and that Sprout had had a hard day anyway - said he had shown you a few exercises to strengthen her muscles, but that it isn't enough. Then he told us about that playground the Dreamwalkers use to play and get stronger, that you never had a chance to use it and that it would make sense to have something like it at our camp, as apart from you there are a few of us who need some practice. There's you, as in Sprout, of course; then Enya as well, as this was the way she learned everything the first time, before her fall. But also Rick - with his Change and growth he needs to find out what his body can do too. So he and Enya thought they'd come up with something." She smirked. "And that was even before Brenda showed up. I'm guessing Tawtute Brenda as well as Tall Brenda would like the place too, and maybe she can add a few ideas of her own. I think you might like it, learning more about what Sprout can do." The smile widened into a full-blown grin. "And don't think that the rest of us wouldn't love to play there too! Just think of Tali - he'll have a field day with that."
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"A training course at the shack...?" Ash mused, her own smile widening. "Why, that's--that'd help a lot of things! See, just before Enya's family came, Ngatapa was on me about exercising more in this body...and he mentioned spying on the Avatar compound while Enya was there, so he knows what the course looks like...and he said the same thing you just did, about me and Rick getting to know our new bodies and Enya needing to get to know hers again. But I thought his notion of 'training' was just to run me ragged through the woods, so if he really thinks an actual training course would be a good thing, I'm not gonna argue!
"And remember when we came back from my archery lesson? Kenten was talking about fixing the place up to look more natural--I'm guessing that's been an issue for you guys, huh? Just something else I never picked up on because I was hardly ever home... And Tangek described Brenda's outpost to me, and we all agreed that rope-bridges and a watchtower would be a good idea. Totally different reason, to keep everyone off the ground and away from the red mist, but of course those things would have to be climbed and balanced on too... And we had rope-bridges and towers at the Sky-camp. Plus things to swing on, things to jump over, things to crawl under; even obstacles with water under them so that if you fell off one, you had to swim!" She wrinkled her nose, grinning: "And Alice said the water wasn't particularly clean...ee-yuck!"
Then she took on a pensive look. "Yeah, Enya would like that; it'd be a 'baby-step' to get her to where she could start really moving again. And of course I never have learned how to move through the forest, and it's becoming important with us on the run all the time; if the RDA jumped us right this minute, I'd be hard put to keep up with everybody escaping. And Rick, well...it'd be oversized for him, but that'd just make it a better test. And Brenda's been saying from the get-go that she feels like a caged animal at the complex; I think it would help her feel a lot more at home too... And anything that helps any of us helps all of us. Even the ones who just want to be able to play again."
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Ni'ka's eyes shone in excitement. "Oh yes... Oh, that will be fun!" she declared. "We could start with just a few of those rope-bridges and things to climb over and balance on and just let it grow over time."
She thought a bit more about Ash's description and wrinkled her nose too. "None-too-clean water to swim in? Intentionally? Aww, that's mean!" But she was grinning at the thought. "Whoever came up with that might get along great with Ngatapa. Or with Neru; he was the hunters' Eldest at my old Clan, and his fighting and tracking lessons soooooo often ended with someone in some muddy waterhole." She suddenly realized that this was just another memory patch coming back from out of nowhere.
Then she got more serious. "Yes, what Ngatapa said to you, he said to us that evening as well. And having our camp look a bit more like a place of the forest and the People, that would help a lot." She made a face. "Tawtute seem to be awfully fond of straight lines and hard, cold materials and ugly colours... No offense intended; the longhouse is as good a place to live in as a place can be in those times. But making it all a bit more natural looking, it would help our spirits."
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"We'll need the watchtowers right away, I think," Ash mused. "Even if they're just platforms in the trees, it'd be a lot more comfortable for anyone pulling sentry duty, don't you think? And then string those bridges between the trees--there's our safety factor, and already Enya will have something to climb, somewhere to perch, and something to balance on..." Her brow furrowed. "But where are we going to find things to make rope out of? Kenten says all the suitable vines are dead..."
Then it hit her what Ni'ka had said about her Elder. "Why, Ni'ka, your memory's coming back! And you've long since regained your cheekiness," she added with a wink.
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"I'll have you know that people of my old Clan would think of me as very settled and reasonable," Ni'ka stated saucily, then sighed. "They probably think of me as someone who's been lost to the Red and what it has done to our world." The thought still hurt her, knowing that her family and friends would think of her as dead, probably. But it was the hurt of a wound well on its way to healing, not as sharp anymore as it had been in the first days, and it didn't bring her down anymore. "Yes, that's another memory coming back," she added with a smile. "It's always like that, a little thing here and there, but it will take much time before I get the whole picture, if ever at all. But it's great to remember those little things. Even if this time it's been Neru and his well-meant but painful lessons."
She thought about what Ash had said about platforms and ropes. "For a sentry, there's nothing wrong with sitting on a branch; but a platform will be much more comfortable, and for Enya it will be perfect." The mentioned cheekiness came back. "As it will be for Sprout, I think," she teased her friend with a wink back. "About the vines..." She bit her lips in thought. "Yes, most of them are dead - maybe we'll have to see how sturdy the dead ones are, weave a few of them together to make them stronger if they're not too brittle. Or maybe one of the others has an idea."
-
"Well, have you got a story for them," Ash said of Ni'ka and her old Clan. "For what it's worth, if they didn't witness your capture first-hand, all they know about you for certain is that you've disappeared. And if the Changed ones haven't reached them yet, or if they never do, it won't occur to anyone you know that you might have become one of them. So here comes Ni'ka - dark, stately Ni'ka - with a tale fit for the ages..." Her expression softened. "I hope you really do find your way home, Ni'ka. You might or might not want to stay there, but they should at least hear your story and celebrate you for the hero you are."
She took several moments to just look around the pools again; and this time she thought she could actually feel them, just a little bit, as if she were getting to know the face of a friend. ~ Like Enya says about Kilvanä...? ~ she mused. Did Ash now carry a little of this place's essence within her? Would it always carry a little bit of hers?
She slipped back into the water and closed her eyes again, imagining its impressions of her flowing out and onwards, eventually to either sink into the ground again or merge with the sea...and either way, to become as much a part of the world as the streambeds which carried them.
-
While Ash was letting herself sink down again, Ni'ka thought about her words, once more wondering how things really were back in her old home. A lot of it depended on the question of whether Yan'ku had been captured too or had somehow escaped the Tawtute kunsip. If her childhood friend had been lucky, he might have told her family and the Clan about her abduction. If not, then for her Clan two young hunters had just disappeared into thin air. She hoped that she had been the only one taken away - for one, because although she hadn't wanted to be Yan'ku's mate, she still cared for him as a friend; and for another, then her family would have at least some idea about what had happened to her. She fervently hoped that the Changed ones or even the red mist hadn't made it to her old Clan - the cold would be bad enough, especially as they didn't have Tawtute friends bringing warm clothes or hot springs to warm up the weak ones.
Would she want to go back? This wasn't the first time she had asked herself that question and it wouldn't be the last. She'd always be Changed, inside and outside...but at least now, especially with her tanhi coming back, she didn't look like a wild beast anymore. People no longer shied away at first glance. But...those were people who didn't know her any other way; for the Tompa'tanhi, she had always been Ni'ka, the Changed one who had managed to escape the Red. For her loved ones at home she'd be Ni'ka, the one who would never be the person she'd been before.
And would she even find the place? At first she had thought of it as a clear "no". She didn't even know what direction she'd have to look, and nobody besides the Tawtute who captured her knew where Ni'ka's old Clan was located. But - that wasn't true, wasn't it? There was always Lor--strong, loyal, beautiful Lor, who had followed her from the first day and found her. Wouldn't Ni'ka's Ikran also know the way back? So far Ni'ka hadn't dared to ask, but if she were ever to try to go back, that was at least something to start with.
If she'd ever try. Ash had said she'd have a tale to tell, that she was a hero who should be celebrated. At this moment that was still far from how Ni'ka thought about herself.
The dark huntress slipped back into the deep part of the springs too, closing her eyes. Any decision was still far ahead in the future, after the battle with Vrrtep was fought...and assuming she was still alive. At the moment they just had a short, precious break, and Ni'ka tried to get as much peace out of it as possible.
-
Eventually, however, the two women did have to leave the hot springs; there was no telling when the Tsahiks might come looking for them--or were Ash and Ni'ka supposed to approach them again? No sooner had Ash left the water than the realities of her world began to settle over her again, to her mind much like a hungry boa gently draping its coils over her shoulders before going for the big squeeze. For one, and just like for every other emerging swimmer, it was quite a bit colder out of the pools than it was in them. For another, Ash was faced with a non-choice: She could remain in her wet leather clothes or climb back into her wet Avatar ones--ahh, the chief disadvantage of changing outfits underwater! And Ru'ni's towel-blanket wasn't much help, being already damp from drying off Ru'ni. "Yep..." she sighed, trying to keep the blanket from slipping off her shoulders so it could shield her as she exchanged the wet outfit for the merely damp one. "Back to my normal luck... Phooey!"
-
Ni'ka watched Ash's face and her attempt to change clothes - lending a helping hand to keep the blanket where it was - and decided that being wet and and cold and wearing just a loincloth beat being wet and cold and trying to get back into something with more coverage. But she still sent a longing glance back to the springs once Ash was finally back in her Avatar clothes, folding up the by now more-than-just-damp blanket and draping it over her arm.
"Well, at least we were warm for a while," she remarked as the two were making their way back to Hometree.
-
"Maybe it's time to ask someone if the ceremonial chambers are any warmer," Ash smirked. "Yeah, I was thinking about that on the way out here--the hot spring that feeds this place comes from underground, and I'm wondering if the very lowest levels of Hometree are close enough to feel the heat... If the Clan even lets us in there, it'd be a great place to dry off."
-
"Warmth from underground?" Ni'ka frowned. "It's worth it to ask," she then decided. "Maybe it's already being used as a sleeping place for older people and young 'evi? At least the ones who haven't left?" She guessed it would be mostly old people staying there, the ones who'd rather stick to their home... She shivered slightly. "Definitely worth a try!"
-
"Great!" Ash agreed; then she looked around and her face fell. "Only...I have no idea how to get back to the Commons from here; did that tangle of roots we threaded through get you as all-mixed-up as it got me? 'Cause I'm no tracker; I couldn't find my way out of bed if someone moved it overnight..." She blushed.
-
Ni'ka grinned. "You might not be able to find your way out of your hammock, but that's why you took a hunter and tracker along." The tangle of roots might be a bit confusing, yes; but to her practiced eye it was clear to see where people had come and gone, so she started to point out a few hints to Ash.
"Look, there are footprints on the ground," she said. "And this one," she pointed again, "even looks like they were made by your footwear." And indeed there was a footprint that clearly was made by a hiking boot, Avatar edition. "So that means we were coming from there and that's where we have to go back to..."
-
Ash rolled her eyes at herself. "But of course! ...Unless there's another Dreamwalker on the premises...but the only other two I know of on the outside both go barefoot." She smirked. "Naah, ain't a-gonna happen. Face it, Ash, you're just plain lost. Geez, Ni'ka; you should have seen me at summer camp... Lead on!"
Which Ni'ka did; and Ash had plenty of time on the twisting, winding path to be thankful that at least her shoes were still dry.
-
Now that they had spotted the way, it didn't take long until they reached the end of the small path. Ni'ka stepped out between the last roots into the outskirts of the Commons, giving Ash space to leave the path too and looking around. "What do you think?" she asked. "Time to find the Tsahiks or one of their helpers? They should be the ones to know about the ritual chambers too."
-
Ash had just opened her mouth to reply when there was a stir on the sparring grounds, accompanied by a rush of wings and a blue-and-gold flash just outside. Ni'ka knew the bird; Ash did not...but all explained itself shortly afterwards as the senior warrior Ngatapa came striding in, weapons still in hand and grinning mightily. He made his rounds of the practicing fighters, poking stomachs and straightening elbows as the shortcomings of his fellows dictated, and tossing off playful wisecracks at the ones still sitting on the log.
All in all, his was the best mood Ash had seen in Hometree all day, so she flagged him down: "Yoo-hoo! Ngatapa! We were just telling stories about you!"
"Oh, were you now!" the old warhorse shot back as he arrived. "And do I want to know what kind?"
"Nope!" Ash said merrily. "But we'll tell you anyway." She grinned at Ni'ka, inviting her to go first.
-
"Uh huh!" Ni'ka grinned too; Ngatapa's mood was catching, and she started forgetting about the fact that her queue was still wet and cold on her back. "I've just told Ash about the improvements for the camp we have talked about - that Dreamwalker obstacle course. You know, all those rope bridges and platforms in the trees..." Her grin widened, getting mischieveous now. "And of course the reason for setting it up."
-
"Ahh, yes," he replied, nodding sagely. "Something about our one-point-five Dreamwalkers needing some exercise--and, Ash, you should have seen the look Enya gave me when I included her in that category! Indeed, I almost took it back; I'd just as soon not have her ruin my other cheek." He fingered the gouge-marks where a startled-awake Enya had clawed him in a panic way back when, then gave the women a wink. "I think I could get away with it now, though," he added affectionately. "The classification, not the startling... Oh, wait--you weren't there for that, were you, Ash? The startle either. And I haven't been out there since we knew that Brenda's Dreamwalker was going to be all right... So! What have I missed?"
-
Ni'ka - remembering when she had last seen the old warrior - blinked. "How much time do you have?" she asked. "Because so much has been happening that I don't even know where to start...and each and every one of those things is as taleworthy as Toruk Makto. For one, Rick brought in Brenda's house; she's now sharing the camp with us. And she and I ran into Atreyu and his pongu first thing this morning; they were bringing a group of refugees to their new home." She smirked. "I think Tall Brenda impressed Atreyu. She's a lot better since you last saw her, and she truly is a warrior.
"There have been good and bad things happening, and not all of those tales are mine to tell," she continued. "It hasn't alway been easy, but..." She shook her head and a happy smile appeared on her face. "Then we saw Eywa kick the Red's txim, and then She came and blessed us all - even me." The smile got even wider. "And Enya...you sure would get along with that now, true, but I don't think one-point-five would do it anymore!"
-
"Ah! So Brenda did heed my advice!" Ngatapa said delightedly. "And no doubt she's been an asset. I don't think even Atreyu could find fault with a Dreamwalker who could wake up surrounded by a pack of Nantang and have them eating out of her hand by nightfall. And I'm sure she feels better being in the same place as her Dreamwalker, not to mention she won't be stretching your manpower resources... Say, how is her Dreamwalker doing? Up and about yet? (Well, I suppose she was, if she's met Atreyu out there...) Has she got you lot dressed properly yet? Is she still sensitive to the light?"
Ash didn't even have to think about it before she replied, "I'd say she's been an asset! You've been to her outpost? Did you know she speaks to the stars? Well, she sent word of what's happening here to her fellow Sky-scholars back on Earth. If I don't miss my guess, there are a hell of a lot of pissed-off scientists storming the RDA's headquarters as we speak... It cost her, though. She didn't want anyone tracing the signal to her hideout. So she had Rick bring just her shack...and she blew up everything else. Her outpost would have been perfect for me and Enya to train in..." Her eyes showed her keen regret.
Ngatapa put a hand on the Dreamwalker's shoulder. "That's all right; we can fashion something like it at your place," he said. "It won't be like Enya staying over at her Auntie's house, true; more like her leading you on a merry chase through the forest while the rest of us sit up on those comfy platforms and smile at you both."
He turned to Ni'ka. "As for time...I've got all the time in the world until everyone gets back from the Talioang hunt."
Ash raised an eyebrow; she hadn't been there when Kenten had flown back with news of the big herd in the distant marshes that fed out to the sea.
"Oh, yes," the warrior smiled. "Not all the emptiness here is because of the evacuation..."
-
"So the hunters are out there?" Ni'ka's ears perked up, not so much because she would have liked to come along, but because that meant the food situation for the Clan would get better - no matter if the center of said Clan was here or somewhere else. "That's good news!" So Kenten's news had indeed given the hunters something better to think about than the situation of the Clan, and that thought lightened up her mind, as it would do with Kenten's mind once she told him about it.
She smirked. "Oh yes, Dreamwalker Brenda is up and about," she said. "Her eyes are still too sensitive to be out in full daylight, but she's perfectly alright in the night or twilight - we were out really early in the morning. She's a good one to have along on a hunting trip. Yes, she truly is an asset. It really helps Kenten and me, and might even give Kenten a chance to get back to his pongu one day...or at least to go for a long visit, now that they're living closer to the camp than to Hometree. He misses his friends."
-
Ngatapa nodded, his smile leaving him for a moment. "Yes, that was a sad day when Atreyu's pongu broke up...at the time, we thought it was for good. But he, Renu and Meuia are with those families in the village, and you and Kenten are minding our Dreamwalker friends and those who matter most to them; I suppose that's better than being scattered to the Four Winds. All the same, it'd be good for Kenten to rejoin Atreyu's party. His affection for your group knows no bounds; but his service to you was a sacrifice, no mistake, and even on my last visit I could tell it was weighing on him."
By now Ngatapa and Ni'ka were speaking of things which Ash hadn't known about at all. Kenten's morale had been faltering? Kenten, who'd refused to leave her even when she thought she was Changing, and who before that had kept her from taking her own life? All right, she'd mostly been in the healers' ward since then, but...how had she missed that?
More and more she was coming to the conclusion that she was just not a "people person". Somehow she always seemed to demand so much from her allies, while giving them the worst sides of her personality if she bothered acknowledging them at all. Yes, yes...finding the crystals, saving the world, as she'd kept reminding them ad nauseam... But when it came to relating to them as people--not "the Na'vi" in the aggregate, but as weary 'Iheyu, frustrated Tangek, heartsick Brenda, quietly selfless Kenten, overworked Tiye, and two children who'd had their worlds yanked out from under them--she'd been an abject failure. She'd heard Kenten's peals of laughter as the love of Eywa rained down upon him; seen the radiance in his face, the way he'd turned slowly with his arms uplifted as if he were being showered with gold...and she had no idea what it meant, what dark space he'd been in when that pulse of energy found him.
"For what it's worth," she finally said, biting her lip, "Kenten was with us when the All-mother stopped by to say She hadn't forgotten about us...and he laughed like a little boy riding behind his mother for the first time. I never asked myself what it was about, but I was happy for him..."
Ngatapa, reading the look behind the words, palmed her shoulder again gently and smiled. "That is all he ever needed from you; all any of them need," he said gently. "Know them. Rejoice with them. Mourn with them. If they wish to share their reasons, they will; but if they do not, at least you will still have been a companion on their journeys."
-
Ni'ka couldn't help but smile at the thought of that evening. "We were all together in that journey at that moment," she said. "Sharing the Blessing and the tales afterwards. As I said before, not everything has been easy, but that night it was as if all of the worries just weren't as heavy as before." The smile widened. "And hearing Kenten laugh like that... You know, it was him who first reached out a hand to me in the pongu."
She slightly tilted her head, wondering if it would be bad manners to ask Ngatapa how he had felt the Blessing. The old Olo'eyktan had told about it without being asked, and the same went for Andy. But Ngatapa, while not being an Elder, was still one of the senior warriors, and that made his rank in the Clan a lot higher than hers. On the other hand, this was Ngatapa, the one who had accepted her as a hunter without even flinching an ear; the one she had shared worries with - and more than one quip.
"We know that Hometree felt the Blessing too - even the Tawtute warrior you brought in," she said. "Did it find the hunters as well? Did it find you?" she asked hopefully.
-
"The Sky-warrior I brought in??" Ngatapa asked mock-indignantly, putting a hand to his chest and looking miffed. "Na, you've got the wrong troublemaker; that was Waytelem's doing, no one else's...unless you want to save some of the blame for Rick!" He un-bristled, then shook his head with a rueful smile. "And don't think the Clan was especially happy about it. Enya was one thing, a helpless child; Ash was another, a Dreamwalker, but an ally; and Ni'ka and Tsanten couldn't help their looks. But the soldier... We had long talks about him, and some of them went in unpleasant directions. It's just as well that the All-mother touched him, for it showed us that he'd sparked Her interest somehow...so now we're all waiting to see what She has in mind for the chap.
"As for the rest of us...there are as many stories here as there are people; where shall I begin? --Ah! I know: How was your flight in?" he asked in a seeming non sequitur that soon explained itself. "Smooth and easy? Not too much flapping? Lor not feeling like she's been flying underwater for the last half a day? --That's not your imagination; the updrafts came back this morning. Weak ones, but true, and enough to keep our flyers aloft long enough to get decent coverage on hunting trips and patrols. That was my bird you saw flashing by in a power-dive and ascent, joyous that the ground was warming enough to make the air his friend again. It wouldn't feel warm to you and me...but to a son of the sky, it makes all the difference. Stop and See this place, feel it in your bones, and tell me what other stirrings of its life-force you sense."
Ash, never having sensed any place like that before today, couldn't tell how the 'feel' of Hometree had changed from the last time she'd been here. But Ngatapa, who could become one with a single leaf if he chose, to the point where he made no more sound treading on it than it had when it fell, had detected the merest breath of hope, of expectancy...and of relief; the great Tree, as yet untouched itself, taking stock and finding that it could still support the creatures that depended on it...even the remaining Na'vi, now that they were so much less in number.
-
When Ni'ka was done mentally smacking her forehead for mistakenly associating Ngatapa with bringing in Andy - and once she'd gotten through the resulting deep blush - her face startened to brighten. "So it wasn't my imagination," she breathed. "She and I thought that maybe she'd started to get used to it - Lor is no healer's mount, but she has had to carry more than one person lately, something she hasn't been used to before. I felt that she didn't have to work as hard this morning as before - maybe her muscles are strengthening, but if the world helps too..." She smiled in relief. She hadn't been happy to make her companion fly with a double load without the updraft, but she as well as Lor had accepted the necessity. Anything that helped was more than welcome.
She closed her eyes now, trying to get a feel for her surroundings, tried to See Hometree like she hadn't done before. True, like Ash she didn't know the place from before the Red. But somewhere, deep in her bones, there was an ancient knowledge about how a healthy, strong Hometree should feel. Her ability to See wasn't as strong yet as Ngatapa's, simply because he was older and much more experienced. Still she reached back to put a hand on one of the roots they had just left behind, closing her eyes, letting her hand build a connection to the root, the soil and the web that spanned all of Pandora.
The 'vibrations' of the web, that lifeforce every one of the People could feel and be part of, were still faint, as they had been before. Not extinct, not mute, but subdued. But today she could feel a tiny spark of hope in there, weak enough that she might have missed it if Ngatapa hadn't alerted her. She listened to the other things her senses told her, on her skin, her ears... Yes, the air was still cold, much colder than it should be (especially now, after having left the hot springs just a short while ago). But wasn't it not quite as sharp and biting as it had been a few days ago? Weren't the world and the air not quite as dreadfully silent as they had been?
Of none of those observations was Ni'ka completely sure, but she opened her eyes again to the old warrior and nodded. "I think I can See it," she said. "The song of the forest - it's still weak and faint, but there is something there, more than there was before."
-
Ngatapa nodded. "Everyone's interpreted it differently. To me, it feels like the small and tender things are at least thinking about considering putting their heads and spores and petals up for a longer look if things stay just as they are for a while, or actually doing so if things improve. No disaster can kill off everything, not even this one. And the creatures that don't die right away can adapt; and if they have young before the world's been put right again, why, the surviving young will never have known the weather any other way. The highest mountains are no strangers to snow and ice, and yet the Clans there still find enough to eat and clothe themselves and sing about at their bonfires.
"Speaking of young, how are Enya and Tali doing? Or Tsanten, the brave fellow? Or 'Iheyu's Ikran; last time I saw her, she'd just come in from the Iknimaya rookery and was huddling atop your little log cabin... And, Ash, I See your firstborn is doing much better...but she could still use another 'burrito'."
By now the Dreamwalker knew or suspected that by 'her firstborn', he meant Sprout. He was the second person in the Clan who had offered her a meal this morning, which told her that her Avatar probably still looked a little peaked and out of condition. Apparently she was going to have to feed Sprout more often until she had decent color and muscle tone again...
"I can't say about most of them," Ash replied. "We left pretty early... But Enya's doing much better. She seems to have taken full possession of her body now, and her spirits are rushing to catch up! She walks tall and straight, if still carefully; it gives her a kind of nobility... And she swings and rides--really rides!--and climbs well enough to collect eggs if they're not too high and she's careful coming down... And, yes, she lets us call her a Dreamwalker now; she's truly done that in a way the rest of us never have, and she's rather proud of it. Your Toruk Makto story seems to have really helped her with that. Even I never thought about it from the standpoint of her not being so alone... She's still sprinkling us with little 'prophecies' too, things she recognises for what they are when they happen. And last night... I don't know how aware you are of the ways things just kept going wrong between her and me, but last night I think she forgave me...for all of it. An amazing person, and I really want to get to know her for who she is, not for what all my insecurities have made of her."
-
"Enya, yes..." Ni'ka agreed with most of what Ash had been saying. "She's been on her way to getting more familiar with her body for a while now, but since the Blessing... See, Enya slept through it, but that didn't mean she missed it. It seems the Great Mother came to her in her dream and did 'pet' her. That's what Enya says - Mother-god petted her. And that petting, it must have healed something that had been broken before, something inside my sister." Ni'ka's voice still spoke of the awe and the happiness she was filled with.
"Mother-god petted a whole lot of us that night," she added. "Tsanten too... You know how badly hurt and burnt his tswin was?" Ni'ka didn't wait for Ngatapa to reply but instead went on. "The burnt strands didn't come back. But the ones that were left, that caused so much pain in healing, they're whole, strong and healthy by now." Knowing how close she had been to that state herself, Ni'ka couldn't help her eyes getting moist. "And that part of his chestbone all the healers were so worried about, it somehow has disappeared." She smirked. "He's even starting to get cocky now! My tsmukan won't ride a Pa'li tomorrow or even the day after - but he will do so one day.
"And while we're talking about mounts - you asked about Ni'tingal too. Yes, she was bedraggled and lost; Eywa, it broke everyone's heart seeing her like that. But 'Iheyu said that she took off again in the night right after the blessing. 'Iheyu thinks Ni' is giving it another try - but I haven't heard anything of her since then." Ni'ka bit her lip. "I'm praying for her - maybe this time she will have her chicks? Maybe they might be ones like you said, being used to the world as it is now?"
-
"Well, I did say the surviving young," Ngatapa pointed out. "Getting that far...ahh, that's the tricky part. The world does a fairly good job of weeding out the weak...and what isn't weak in this Changed world? Even when things are normal, sickness, injury, foolishness and simple misfortune thin the numbers of all living things; Eywa'eveng could not hold us all otherwise. You see how sending some of us away has eased the burden on our home somewhat. Well, we are the People; we have other places to go. But the fish in Ni'ka's stream or the fwampop near Brenda's place? They must find a way right where they are. And Ni'tingal's babies will have to find their way through their earliest lives wherever she puts them. We can only hope she chooses wisely. I think she might; she's already tasted the barrenness of the Iknimaya hills and not found it to her liking."
-
"I pray for them," Ni'ka repeated, replying to Ngatapa's words about the weak ones having to survive first. Yes, she knew about the Balance, that no place carried more life than it was ready to. Even in better times there weren't more young ones born than the land could feed - and that went for all species, including the People themselves. "And Ni'tingal knows where to go to when she's in trouble, and she trusts 'Iheyu and Enya as well - even if she sees Enya as a very strange-looking chick." She smirked. "And don't anybody ask me to sort out all the family relations in that."
-
Ngatapa chuckled. "So our little Dreamwalker says the All-mother 'petted' everyone?" He tipped his head towards Ni'ka. "Then that must have been the stroke of Her hand that left all those tanhi behind in its wake... I don't think I've ever seen a lovelier night than the one you've become. Kenten should count his blessings!"
His smile at this left Ash wondering what he knew that she and Ni'ka--and most probably Kenten!--did not; and the inherent mischief of the situation, if that's what it was, made her eyes twinkle too. "Ni'ka...?" she asked teasingly. "Do you have any idea what he's talking about?"
-
Ni'ka frowned in confusion, looking back and forth between the old warrior and her friend. "Um, huh?" was her not very intelligent reply about Ash teasing her. "No, I have not. Yes, some of my tanhi came back the night of the Blessing..." Said tanhi were now glowing slightly about Ngatapa's compliment. "But what does that have to do with Kenten?"
-
"Oh, come now!" Ngatapa grinned. "You said it yourself: Kenten was the first in our pongu to befriend you, and you've scarcely been out of each others' company since!"
-
For a moment Ni'ka was still confused, then it - finally - dawned on her what Ngatapa was teasing her with. If she had been blushing before, her tanhi now sprang to full life and the tips of her ears definitely got a rosy touch. "Ngatapa!!!" she protested, her ears somewhere between tilting back and folding inwards, her voice hovering somewhere between annoyed protest and awkwardness, with a good helping of laughter in there; if he hadn't been one of the respected senior warriors, but more of her age and rank, she'd have probably chased him all over the Commons. "That...that...that's... Kenten's my friend!"
-
Meanwhile, however, something was gnawing at Ash, eventually breaking through her amusement at Ni'ka's predicament. She puzzled through it for a while; it was the feeling she'd get back home when she went to the movies and found herself worrying that she hadn't left the porch light on--an errand unremembered, a task unfinished. Something she needed to say to this man before they parted ways, something urgent...
She chuckled a little more, then cleared her throat, looking uncomfortable. "Ngatapa..." she began, "there are a lot of little stories like that from our camp, and maybe one day when things aren't so urgent I'll share them with you. Don't think I'd rather not share them now! But what I'm about to say, you of all people really need to know." She swallowed. "The Blessing...it didn't touch us all equally. It didn't touch me except for the encouragement I got from witnessing it... Oh, and you'd be pleased with Rick; his body feels settled now, and we're pretty sure he's done Changing. At least, I don't feel like I have to worry about him so much... And I thank you for teaching us that Seeing exercise. If what you have in mind for Sprout is as good, I'll jump over, crawl under and run through almost anything you want me to! Well, except bugs; I never did like bugs...and dark wet places...and..."
Ngatapa listened, trying in his turn to pick apart what she was trying to say. "Ash...would you be more comfortable somewhere a little more private? The Olo'eyktan's thinking-spot has a vacancy; I'm sure he won't mind us keeping it warm..."
Ash just gave a quick little Enya-like nod.
-:-
"It's like this," she began once they'd settled into the quiet little nook. "All this time we've been saying that the way you know someone's been infected is their eyes turn red. And the way you know they've overcome it is their eyes turning silver. So what would you make of someone whose eyes flash red sometimes but then return to their normal color?"
"I would be very cautious around that individual," the old warrior replied. "I would want to know if it happened only once or more than once, seldom or often, and whether there was any change in behavior to accompany it. Meaning if the person was not an immediate threat, I would observe them closely." He sighed. "I must be frank with you, however: I would not encourage my warriors to do the same. We don't live to be my age by taking chances."
Ash swallowed. "Okay...now, what if that person acted strangely, but not threateningly? What if they yelled at people or talked irrationally or accused children of things that even adults wouldn't do, but they kept it at words and kept their hands to themselves? And after their eyes turned normal again, they were okay except for being shaken up; and they only sort of remembered what they did or said, but they spent the rest of their fucking lives apologising for it?"
Ngatapa lofted a brow. "Something tells me you speak from experience?" he said gently.
The Dreamwalker seemed to shrink a few sizes. "Yeah..." she mumbled.
-
Ni'ka, wondering at first what Ash had in mind, soon lost her playful mood when she realized what direction the talk was taking. A part of her, the part that made her a good huntress, the one that had helped her survive everything the Red had thrown at her, understood and appreciated Ash's approach: In just telling the symptoms, she got a neutral, un-biased opinion from Ngatapa. Because Ni'ka herself or anyone else on the shack just couldn't have that neutral, un-biased opinion. None of them could ever forget that it was Ash they were talking about.
Her first impulse was opening her mouth to protest, this time in earnest. "Ash," she started, "you're not infected! The Tsahiks..." Her friend just couldn't be. The woman enjoying the peace of the hot springs didn't have any trace of the Red in her...
But then she shut her mouth again, knowing that her gut feeling was one thing, but Ngatapa needed to form his own opinion. And something was off; there were still aftereffects of the crystal in Ash.
-
"Ni'ka, I know I'm not infected," Ash assured her. "But that wasn't my question. My question is what Ngatapa or his warriors would do if they saw someone with those symptoms. Our warriors and sentries have shoot-or-hold-fire drills all the time. This is a new situation, so Ngatapa of all people should be aware of it, because he's the one who'll be making the new rule." She turned to the warrior. "Sorry if my frustrations about this are boiling over; it's just that...well, that Kenten is right; there's no sure way to tell who's the enemy anymore, not without sticking around them long enough to risk getting stung. And I don't have the right to ask that of anyone here, ever. I don't want anyone getting hurt thinking the next person with my symptoms is harmless when maybe they're not..." Her eyes welled up; as much as she'd been criticised for 'patronising' the Na'vi, she just could not let go of her fear for them.
Ngatapa tilted his head. "Ahh...like that?" he asked, again gently. "Your eyes are flashing even now. Let me see what a lullaby or a bedtime story will do for that..."
Ash couldn't help a giggle; the red faded, telling him that the phenomenon seemed to be emotion-based.
"Sounds like someone has an incentive to keep a level head," the old fellow quipped, cupping her chin and smiling.
-
"It's tied to emotions," Ni'ka confirmed Ngatapa's theory. "The not-so-good ones - being sad, or upset, or annoyed. All that goes well with the Red. I think it couldn't recognize happiness and love if they hit it over the head with a club."
She bit her lip, thinking about the situation and what to make of it. "Ash is right; you need to know, Ngatapa, as does Waytelem when he comes back. I'm not happy about the thought of shooting people when we're not sure of if they're infected or not; I'm just hoping so much that more of Eywa's children can fight it. But the safety of the Clan is the most important thing." A smile crept over her face. "Maybe we'll have to use the place where Andy and his skxwang of a friend were kept, if there are more people out there who show the signs Ash has just described."
-
Ngatapa smirked. "You mean more people who've been shot in the arm with a shard of the demon crystal, which has since been expertly removed? Na, I don't think we're going to see too many more of those." He gave a half-smile. "People feeling out-of-sorts even after a sickness leaves them, yes. People who've had a fragment of that thing in their own bodies for over a month and still haven't succumbed? ...Not so much." He patted Ash on the shoulder once again. "Go on, then; I'm sure you're a one-of-a-kind, and I already know you mean well. I'll let everyone know you're special so nobody panics."
He turned to go, leaving the Dreamwalker with no doubt at all that said briefing was probably going to be held in very short order.
Ash looked after him, then turned to Ni'ka. "Well, that was quick..." she said, a little puzzled that he hadn't made a bigger fuss...and then wondered why some part of her had wanted one.
-
Ni'ka grinned. "That's Ngatapa for you. Why make a fuss if the situation can be solved easily and quickly?" She winked at Ash. "And I think he's right - there aren't many people out there in your situation. Or at how many other people did that evil Tawtute shoot with his gun and a crystal shard in it?" Her grin widened. "Just not sure what exactly he will tell the other warriors - maybe one of them will sing you a lullaby in such a situation?"
-
"Probably not," Ash grumped, not in a mood for being teased. "He'll probably file me under 'No action required'; if he tells them to do anything, it'll probably just be to let my little tantrum blow over and get back to work." Unsaid but plain in her deepening scowl was that she didn't like the idea of word of her weakness being spread all over Hometree. "Think maybe I'm learning what Enya means about being the wrong kind of 'special'..." she finally sighed. "C'mon, let's go get some lunch..."
-:-
-
Lunch was a simple affair. After the food wrap they'd had a while ago, Ni'ka hadn't been very hungry and had settled for one of her preferred roasted sweet roots, which she'd nibbled together with a bowl of water - more for the taste than to fill her stomach. The two women had spent the time in companionable silence, each of them having enough to mull over for probably half a lifetime. And of course they enjoyed the warmth of the bonfire.
Ni'ka was just about to suggest that maybe they should go and try to find the Tsahiks when a youth in his mid-teens suddenly appeared before them. He sported the jewelry and shawl of a Tsahik's helper as well as a remarkable likeness to the old Tsahik who had spoken up in Enya's and Ash's favour that morning.
The boy greeted them politely. "Oel ngati kameie," he said formally; very obviously this was meant to be an official encounter, not just a boy talking to two other Clan members. "The Tsahiks sent me out to look for you." He tried to keep his voice calm and collected, but there was bright curiosity in them as he watched the Dreamwalker and the Changed one. "They want to talk to you."
-
Ash returned the greeting, eyeing the lad as she did so. She was shocked that he didn't look much older than Tali, or that Tali looked almost this one's age...a fresh reminder that Na'vi childhood was short, and that Tali--already Rick's height--would be eligible for Iknimaya in just a few more years, if the world lasted that long. Suddenly she wanted it to, very fiercely; she wanted to see Tali as a young man. And in those few years, would she be able to tell the difference in their ages?
"Ahh...I was wondering if they would send someone to fetch us or if we should just find them ourselves," she said. "I like it better this way; I know I won't be interrupting anything."
And then, just because she was learning to look at people and not just consider their ideas, she asked the young man "Say, are you related to any of them? The Tsahiks, I mean? Your face looks a little like that of the one who gave me the most wisdom in the fewest words - that I should listen to the children."
-
The boy smiled. "I'm called Iriyon, and Mohani is my great-grandmother," he said, introducing himself and confirming Ash's guess in the same line, and with warm affection for the old woman showing in his face and his voice. "And my karyu. She's teaching me the ways of the Tsahiks, and I'm her strong legs and arms." Obviously this was an arrangement Iriyon was pretty content and happy with.
"I remember her too," Ni'ka smiled as they walked towards the place the boy was leading them, the same audience chamber they had talked in before. Talking about the old Tsahik somehow calmed the nerves she was starting to develop. "And the wisdom of her words."
"She is very wise," Iriyon agreed, then a quick shadow crossed his face. "But also very old. This weather isn't good for her bones, although her spirit is strong. I wish I could do more for her."
For a moment Ni'ka put a sympathetic hand on the boy's shoulder. As a Tsahik's helper he probably knew more about the balance of life than anyone else, but that didn't mean he couldn't be worried about the great-grandmother he loved.
-
Ash bit her lip; like most Westerners confronted by old age and death, she was unsure of what to say. But she just hadn't gotten the feeling that the ancient priestess was ready to turn in just yet, so she said so. "I'm not the best judge of these things," she began, "and it'd kill me to be wrong...but she is a strong spirit, and she didn't look or sound like someone who's close to letting it go. She made a promise to herself and to the rest of us to still be here when the world began to heal again, and she strikes me as a woman of her word. It's amazing what setting a goal like that can bring someone through..." Then she blushed, wondering if she sounded too much like a self-help book.
They reached the chamber more quickly than they had before, now that they knew the way and Ash wasn't afraid to be there. She allowed the youth to introduce her and Ni'ka formally, then made the greeting herself before sitting where Ali'ite beckoned her to...and, to her pleasure, she found herself between the Tompa'tanhi Tsahik and Mohani.
"Thank you again," she said to Ali'ite. "This helps, really it does..." She got flustered for a moment, unsure of the protocol. "So, umm, do we talk a little first, or have you already decided?"
"We are deciding," Ali'ite said. "We have discussed, yes. But this is going to be your decision as much as anyone's."
Ash couldn't help the look that crossed her face: it very plainly stated ~ Oh, shit... ~
-
Ni'ka had been placed on Ali'ite's other side, with Ka'hi sitting right next to her, as if the two guests should be surrounded by the ones they already had a connection to, to feel more comfortable.
She noticed Ash's slightly stunned and unsure look and bit her lip herself. Of course it made sense for the Tsahiks to include Ash and her in the final process of deciding about their requests. Ni'ka guessed that the Tsahiks had more or less made their decision already and now just needed to ask a few final questions, to see if their decision would be right, if Ash - and Ni'ka herself - were ready for whatever lay ahead.
Or should there be more involved? Maybe a test they had to pass before? Ni'ka swallowed, but sat straight, ready to listen to the words of Ali'ite or whoever would speak to them. Then she felt a hand on her arm and turned her face to look at Ka'hi. The Tsahik gave the huntress a comforting smile that seemed to say "It will be alright".
-
Ash took a deep breath. "I, uh, wasn't expecting this... Ni'ka and I were just talking about leadership styles, and she made it pretty clear that the People normally need a little more guidance than 'Let's just talk it over'... No offense intended, but isn't that kind of what happened to the Clan, not having that?"
A couple of the shamans stiffened; but Ali'ite's smile was no less benign than Ka'hi's. "Sisters, brothers, she is a child where she most needs to be; of course the nuances escape her." Then, to Ash, she said "What Ni'ka teaches is true for what the Clans expect from the Elders and the Olo'eyktans. For matters of action, one needs instructions. But for matters of the spirit it's a little different. No one can make policy for the soul. We can only listen, teach, and help the seeker think things over and hopefully come to her own conclusions. Your answer to a given question may be radically different than mine...but they are both valid answers."
Ash didn't look particularly comforted by this. "It'd help if I even knew the questions," she griped; then caught herself; then decided that she had a point and she didn't really need to apologise. "I'm feeling a little teased here..."
"No one has meant to tease you," Ali'ite replied; it was becoming evident that, while nothing kept the others from commenting, she was the real spokesman for the group. "And there's nothing wrong with needing a more direct way of speaking; thank you for letting us know that."
"Comes of being a scientist, I guess," Ash smirked, finally appreciating the wry humor of the situation.
-
"I can relate to her there," Mohani chuckled. The old Tsahik by now had one of the warm fleece blankets out of Rick's delivery wrapped around her body and a cup with something warm and steaming in front of her, Iriyon sitting a bit behind her - not in the circle but quite within reach if he was needed. "There are moments when we need a child to find her own way, but others when more guidance is needed." She took a sip out of her cup. "So we'll give you all the guidance we can give and try to put it in the right words, but this is about your spirit and that's why you have to be heard."
Ni'ka listened intently. The words were meant for Ash; but they rang a chord in her too, and she wondered what kind of guidance her own spirit might need.
-
Ash's nose twitched as she noticed the cup. Naw, that couldn't be... But the question escaped her before her better manners could intervene. "Is that...is that hot chocolate?" she stammered; then she broke out laughing: "Don't tell me Enya's chocolate recipe made it all the way out here!!"
Ali'ite just smiled, satisfied that the ice had been adequately broken.
-
Now Ni'ka perked up too, leaned in and sniffed the air; then her eyes widened and she started laughing. "Yes, it is!" she enthused, beaming.
Mohani smiled. "I owe it to my great-grandson here," she said, sending a short smile in Iriyon's direction.
The boy blushed as he suddenly found himself in the spotlight. "One of the healers, Tiye, gave it to me," he stammered. "I asked her for something that warms body and spirit, and then she told me which pods to find and how to prepare them."
Ni'ka shook her head, chuckling at the long way this recipe had come so far. "It's a hot beverage that Tawtute 'evi love, and my tsmuke loves it as well and missed it," she explained. "Then 'Iheyu found that pod and Enya recognized the smell...and in the end it was Rick who found a way to prepare it so that it tasted as it should. Of course Tiye brought that way along."
-
Ali'ite's smile grew a little wider. "Actually, the version *I* heard was that Enya discovered the pods all by herself! Well, with her Pa'li's help... And that no one at your camp had ever thought of boiling them. Also that the stuff has incredible curative powers, at least for Dreamwalkers-Awake..." She winked.
"Don't remind me," said Ash. "We were so scared for her that morning! I'll give her all the hot chocolate the forest can provide if it keeps her from having another day like that one again. And of course it was something I said that touched it off...and something else I used to say a lot that almost kept her from coming back..."
"Look at it this way," the Tsahik broke in, bypassing the Dreamwalker's guilt trip. "She got a visit to the 'pretty place' out of it...and she came back with good news of the Heart."
Ash considered; whether about Ali'ite's words or her own, it was hard to say. But then she shifted a bit and said "Actually, we were thinking about that...everyone at the shack. We wondered if it would help Eywa if we brought Enya to the Heart in person. That was an interesting talk; Tiye misread my intentions, I misread her questions, but then we all discussed it in the cabin. Enya's been there twice now; did you know about the first time? She was upset then, too, because she'd realised that her Sky Person wasn't coming back for her, and she dreamed of the cave--just the cave, not Na'vie. But she's been there twice, and we're all convinced that it means something... There's something in her that the world needs, needs badly, and it might be as simple as to see a child at play. She decided not to come this time. But she gave me these to show the Blue Lady..."
She went fishing in her pockets and brought out Enya's treasures: her Solanda-badge and her pilfered key to the Avatar longhouse at Hell's Gate. "She says these have her and her Sky Person's spirits all over them, so letting Na'vie see them is the next-best way for the Blue Lady to meet Enya's Soul-friend. That's all she wants, is for Na'vie to See the person who was the other half of her Being for so long...oh, and for us to bring her her toys from the 'long wood place'." She couldn't help a smile.
-
Mohani very gently took Solanda's badge out of Ash's hand, treating it with the respect and the care that other people might reserve for holding a little bird with a broken wing. "This girl doesn't want much," she said, "and most of it is sharing a part of herself and her spirit with a world in need."
"It's how she is," Ni'ka said quietly, remembering the day when she and Enya had spent time at Enya's thinking place, swinging, dangling their legs and talking while their friends were having and giving archery lessons. "She told me - sharing is part of her, it's something she almost needs to do. Giving and taking. She said it's about trading holes for gifts, and it's all in each other's spirits." She looked down for a moment. "Solanda was her Soul-friend in a way that's even closer than what we share with our mates, I think. Those things," she pointed at badge and key, "are what Enya has left of her Soul-friend, besides her memories. They don't just carry Solanda's spirit, they carry Enya's love."
The respect in Mohani's eyes was still growing and she very carefully handed the badge back to Ash. "Then this is a great gift this child has given us." And then a twinkle in her eyes showed up. "Besides this wonderful hot chocolate."
-
Ash grew a lump in her throat as she accepted the item back. "There's...there's a little more to it than that," she said quietly. "In a way, Solanda gave us Enya, too--I mean, besides the obvious way of Enya having been formed for her sake. See, Brenda says Solanda suspected something was wrong at the Sky-camp, she wasn't sure what, but she was talking to the others and trying to figure it out. But as our leaders put more and more restrictions on the activities of the Dreamwalkers, she became very concerned for Enya. The new leadership didn't know she was special, you see, and if they found out she had her own spirit, they would try to break it. Solanda wasn't sure how much longer she could keep her safe. So we think she 'shared' with Enya one last time, knowing it would be the last time, and took her just as far away from Hell's Gate as she could get. I think the idea was to drop her off someplace where the Na'vi could find her; she would have known all of Enya's play-places... She wasn't planning on dying while they were still sharing, but we think the bad people tampered with her link unit..."
A tear slipped down her cheek. "Solanda died so that Enya could be here, sheltered and safe with the People. She has to become Na'vi; it's the only life she has left...besides this badge, that key, and her precious shorts. And her toys; and her work...'Iheyu told me about her two trips to the mountain to find 'old-animal rocks'. I don't know how much use the Clan has for that skillset, but it gives her a purpose; and 'Iheyu, at least, seems to regard it as another form of lorekeeping. That kind of goes with the idea of her needing to share with people too, doesn't it? She offers her Self, her skills, her limbs, her senses to anyone who needs them. It's just what Avatars do. I never understood them that way before... But Na'vie did. Na'vie got it right away. And the reason Enya doesn't want to come with us is because it was so hard last time for Na'vie to let her go, and she didn't want to make her sad again. That woman must be so lonely..."
-
"She is," Ka'hi agreed softly. "I remember going to the Heart for the first time, when I was ready to take on the Tsahik's responsibilities." She unconsciously let a hand slide over the yellow shawl she was still wearing, a sign of her rank as well as an adornment and a way to warm up. "It was almost too soon; I was still young, not much older than Ni'ka, only a few years after being reborn in the Clan. But it had to happen. Our old Tsahik, my karyu, she never recovered from the first Sky war and the loss of her mate, and her spirit went back to Eywa way before her time."
She smiled faintly. "So I came to the Heart. Young, confused, unsure if I was worthy to be there, and that's how I met Na'vie for the first time. We almost seemed to be of the same age, and still the years she has spent there showed in her eyes. And the loneliness. She was wise and kind and took away my fears and worries, yet the whole time I thought that all she wanted was a friend, someone to spend time with."
One of the other Tsahiks nodded. "That's what I felt too. She gave such a sacrifice to the People, and sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing in paying her back, with leaving her alone in her solitude. All that time that has passed, all those songs that have been sung..." A smile appeared on the woman's face. "I've seen 'Iheyu's youngest that first day, when you, Ash, and her were playing in the Commons. For someone as lonely as Na'vie, it must have been hard indeed to let go of someone so full of life and play again. I think she'll like seeing something that carries so much love - and so much sacrifice. If what you think is right, this Solanda and Na'vie have something in common: They both sacrificed themselves for people they loved."
Ni'ka nodded to those words. She had felt Na'vie's loneliness out of Enya's words, even though she hadn't met the ancient girl herself. "I can't even start to imagine," she whispered. She too had felt cut off from everything that once had been her home, the people and places and memories she loved. But she had been caught by friends, had a new family, a Clan she could be part of; even Lor had come back. Being without all that for eons... "I wonder if she's sometimes just tired of it all," she wondered, then looked back to the Tsahiks. "So I think it does make sense to go there, not only for Ash's or my problems, but to just be there, be company - I don't know - just to be someone to talk to?"
-
Ash nodded. "That's kind of what I was telling everyone at our camp - that Na'vie must be lonely for a friend, and that granting her this wish might do the world a lot of good...because when Vrrtep is defeated it's going to have to start over again, which'll make it a young world, and by playing with Na'vie Enya has shown it how to be a child again."
Ali'ite smiled a little; she'd been silent for much of this exchange, but hardly inactive. Instead she'd been observing, getting a feel for the dimensions of the situation, weighing matters, and seeing how the conversation trended. Now she said "You know that's a lot of hope to place on the shoulders of a child, do you not?"
"That's what Tiye and I had our last falling-out about," Ash admitted. "She said the same thing, and I got so bent out of shape about it that I stormed out of the building in a rage, never mind that this body was weak from my neglect... Thank the Ancestors for Silronsem's quiet wisdom; she actually managed to calm me down!
"I was of a much sounder mind when I made the proposal about Enya to the rest of our group that evening. But by then I wasn't trying to hit anybody over the head with my ideas; I just suggested, and listened, and learned more about those people in two hours than I had in the previous six weeks. And I learned that things didn't have to be my way to be good; and I learned that more than one person can be right; and I learned that other people are much more than a means to an end, that sometimes the best way to receive their gifts is to just let them be instead of making them part of some big plan. I still think Enya seeing Na'vie again would help a lot of things. But I can only speak for me--not for Enya and not for Na'vie. Who knows what Na'vie really wants or needs? Maybe we ought to just go over there and ask her? We've all received her gifts; maybe it's time we offered her ours, whichever ones she picks, so she'll finally get something back?"
-
"I like that," Ni'ka smiled. "I wonder if anyone ever asked Na'vie that: what she wants for herself."
Mohani smiled at the Dreamwalker and then at the dark huntress as if she was proud of them. "That's a good question," the old Tsahik said. "We have asked the First Child all kinds of questions, and we've told her about our needs and the needs of the People. The time might have come that the People ask Na'vie about her own needs as well. She is the Great Mother's First Child, but maybe we have forgotten about the 'child' part in that."
Hope shone up in Ni'ka's eyes. "So - are we going?" she asked, her ears perked up and her tail swishing eagerly, by now even more about a chance to give something than about her own worries and spiritual need.
-
Ali'ite did not answer this directly. Instead she regarded Ash for a few moments; not long enough to make the Dreamwalker squirm, but definitely an assessing gaze. Then she asked: "Tell me, Ash...have you gotten what you came for this morning?"
Ash looked puzzled by that, then annoyed; when she replied, it was with borderline sarcasm. "I don't know yet. I'm still waiting for you guys to tell me--or, 'scuse me, to 'guide' me to my own answer." She caught herself and adjusted her tone, but again stuck to her guns: "Look, can't you at least let me know what's been discussed? Are you going, are we going, or was the whole idea of a joint pilgrimage the next worst thing to ridiculous, or...?"
But Ali'ite seemed unmoved. "Let me rephrase that," she said evenly, but not unkindly. "Have you gotten what you needed this morning? Has anything come to you here that you were missing before? Either of you? You both feel different than you did at our first meeting today, and Ash, you feel much different than when you first came to us for tutoring. How so, if not because you have become more complete? We Tsahiks are going, yes. We've been considering it for quite some time. How much of your burden do we carry with us, and how much has already been lifted from you? I hope much of it, as we were wrong to put it on you in the first place... Has your visit to Hometree filled a need, even a little bit?"
Ash paused to consider her reply...but then she noticed that the Tsahiks were eyeing both of them.
-
Ni'ka felt Ali'ite's eyes rest on her as well as on Ash. And Mohani's. And Ka'hi's. And most of the other Tsahiks', and for a moment she felt like a child again--one who was being watched by the Clan Elders because she had been caught playing a prank. Then she realized that all the gazes were assessing, but also friendly and kind.
So she closed her eyes, listening deeply to her spirit, her feelings, everything that was inside. Because a question like that wasn't answered easily or lightly.
"It...it's been good to be with the People again," Ni'ka finally started, hesitating. "At Hometree. And - and I've talked to people I've missed and learned things that calmed some of my fears." She thought about the old Olo'eyktan's promise about the Tompa'tanhi Clan living on in the future. "I've also learned about other things that made my heart heavy, but they still came along with some hope." She gave Ali'ite a half-smile, meant not for the Tsahik but for a woman who was worried about the health of her mate. "And I've learned about a lot of Blessings, the ones given by the Great Mother just the other night - and the one so close to Hometree She must have given a long, long time ago."
She smiled now. "Especially the last one, your wonderful hot springs. They took away a lot of the burden the world has placed on me. The warm water helped drive away the cold from my bones - and from my spirit as well." Then the smile disappeared. "It still can't completely take away the burden of the time the Red was placed on me." She looked down. "But...but maybe it's a burden I shouldn't place on Na'vie. Maybe with time and more days like this one, I'll learn to forgive myself for the things I must have done. Because I've learned that the people here already have."
-
Maru, the male Tsahik, smiled. "I think the ones you harmed have forgiven you also. But that is a thing easier to show than to tell; the Heart of Eywa, Who has shared Her love with you, is a good place to learn that for yourself. Enya is right, you know; it is 'the place where praying goes', and it is also the place for broken people. You two don't feel broken, not now; not like this morning, or when we first met. I am glad something here has made the difference. But as long as the Trees of Voices are silent, the Heart may be the only place where our lost ones can bestow their forgiveness upon you themselves."
"It will be good to have that burden lifted from you," Ali'ite concurred. "And you won't do the Blue Lady any harm. No one you know bears it as arms against you; Na'vie won't retain it long enough to notice either. This is the meaning of release."
Ash looked on, struggling within herself. Part of her was happy that Ni'ka, at least, was most likely going...but what about herself? Would she be jealous if she didn't get to come too? And in view of what she was learning about the darker parts of her nature, she had to ask herself...did she want to be jealous? Was it comforting to have that as an excuse? Why would she want this when she knew it would just be more fuel for the Red?
She nudged her mind away from the troubling question. "Release, yes..." she began, then focused outside herself again. "Ali'ite, we visited your mate this morning. He's doing better than expected, but I suppose you know that; I'm just kicking myself for not having asked before. And he... I swear we didn't mean to talk business with him, but we were talking about the Blessing, and this moved him to tell us some things. Things about acceptance of change; things about release..." She thought about mentioning responsibility too, the way the old Olo'eyktan took responsibility for burdening Ash unfairly, both with the mission itself and with the oath to keep it a secret from (she thought) a People sorely in need of hope...but she concluded that his admission of fault was not her story to tell. So she trundled on:
"He flat-out said he was releasing me from my burden. I don't know what he meant--the oath I took? The mission itself? This troubles me... If I'm not helping Eywa, what am I doing? But what he said was 'Allow yourself to be a child again. Take time to heal.' I'm not sure what that means either... I was really hoping to find healing in the Heart. For the shard, for my brokenness...for everything..." Her tone held the tension of fading hope, of the expectation of disappointment. How swiftly this had come, when she as yet didn't know if there would be a reason for it!
'Ohana caught the little hitch in her voice. "'Was', child? Do you not hope for this healing now?"
"I do, but...something tells me I'm not gonna get it," she murmured in reply, looking down. "Forgive me; I've never been much of an optimist..."
-
By now Ni'ka was used to the fact that if there was a choice between more than one option, her friend tended to assume the worst one. Part of her could even understand where that was coming from; there had been a lot of bad things happening lately, and after all, Ni'ka had felt them herself as directly as anyone could feel them. But there had also been good things happening, things that gave hope. So there wasn't a need to always assume the worst, and definitely not now. As this was Ash's time to speak, she kept her silence, but she sent an encouraging and hopeful smile.
"Nobody said you weren't or aren't helping," Mohani said. "Don't think the People haven't Seen what you have been doing all this time, even to the point where you gave too much of yourself. But Ra'nah is right - the burden that was placed on you was too much and too heavy, and you need to be released of it before you break. And don't ask yourself if it was about your quest or the oath, as both of them belonged together. If a hunter is carrying prey that's too heavy, it doesn't matter if it's the head or the haunches that weigh him down, it's the whole load. And you've carried that burden for much too long, everyone can see that." She smiled. "You need to heal and you will."
Still her voice and stance didn't tell if that meant Ash would go with them to the Heart.
-
Ash didn't glower at the older woman; she had that much respect, at least. But her slumped shoulders and the set of her ears spoke volumes, and she knew it.
"Look," she sighed irritably. "If I tell you how I really feel about this--if I even let myself feel it all the way--I am going to get upset. And then my eyes will change color and I'll start saying things that will totally kill my chances of going there at all, ever. I can't even think of spending the rest of my life with that thing in my arm--or acting like it's still in my arm--and lashing out at the least provocation, hurting the ones I love and almost guaranteeing that I'll never make another friend in my life. And who's to say that in that much time, Vrrtep's not gonna figure out how to make me a tool after all? Don't you See it?? Two trips to the Heart of Eywa didn't heal me in my human body. Not even the Blessing did that. I thought I'd try my luck with this one...a Na'vi body, capable of that sense of oneness with this world, which I think might be the missing ingredient... I've always kept myself apart from people and things, mostly out of fear or embarrassment, but I couldn't do it in my Dreamwalker form if I tried. But if I can't go or I don't go pretty damn close to soon, how on Earth or anywhere else am I supposed to heal?? Because it's becoming pretty obvious that I can't do it on my own!!"
Ali'ite reached over and cupped Ash's chin in her palm. It was a gesture meant to comfort, but also to hold a person's attention. "Ash...dear, dear child...no one has said that you cannot return to the Heart. What we are trying to do, you no less than the rest of us, is to determine if that is the best course for you right now, right here, as you stand today. You will go eventually, trust me, because you are right--the ultimate healing for what the shard did to you can only happen in the place where Eywa is strongest.
"But there are other healings, Ash. Ones that can minimise the influence of the Red and make it more manageable to live with; ones that will bring your condition under your control. For what it's worth, you carried the fragment itself in your very flesh for weeks on end, and yet the Red could not take you. Now that it's out, all you have left to fight are its echoes. You've already won that fight, Ash, whether the wounded things in your spirit realise it or not. That realisation can take time, time you need. And the healing it brings you will take more time than that, because not everything harmful in your soul is because of the shard. You brought much of the hurt with you when you came to this world, this daughter-moon, one of so many that circle the globe which owns the sky."
"Time I need," said Ash firmly, "is time the world hasn't got."
If the statement had been meant to rock the gathering back on its heels, it failed. The Tsahiks were well aware of Pandora's situation, more so than any outsider could be; nothing any Dreamwalker said could come as a surprise to them. Instead, at least two of them had spotted the one small ray of hope in what Ash had said: That she couldn't avoid the Unity in her Na'vi body if she'd tried. 'Ohana and Maru exchanged glances; they meant to pursue the thought if someone else didn't, or if doing so would not drive it back into hiding...
-
Ka'hi too had perked up on Ash's mention of Unity when she was Dreamwalking. And she noticed how hard Ash was trying to control herself, to not fall into another tantrum again; something she hadn't tried so hard to do earlier that morning. The Tsahik had no idea if the Dreamwalker had really noticed that she had already made a step on her path, but as that path was still fresh and new, she decided to not point it out...at least not directly.
"I think you're right," she said. "Your visits to the Heart might not have done all the healing that you need because you went there in your Tawtute body." Actually Ka'hi had always wondered about that, why it had to be human Ash and not Dreamwalker Ash who'd been sent. It had never made sense to her. "A huge, important part of you was missing, was staying behind at that camp of yours. And as we have all learned this morning, the hurt in your spirit affects the both of you, Tawtute and Dreamwalker, so of course both have to be healed."
She looked at Ash much more softly than she had done initially that morning, by now Seeing the Dreamwalker's brash manners for what they were: desperation. "Ali'ite's words carry wisdom, that you need to heal the hurts that aren't caused by the demon. But I think there is more... I think that for your healing, it's better the more you feel connected with the people around you, with the world around you. Not worried, not guilty - connected. And something tells me you are pretty new at that and that it might be a good thing to make this connection stronger."
Leaning in she touched Ash's chest, right over the heart. "I know the thought doesn't feel comfortable. Patience is not your strong side, everyone can See that." She smirked. "And I can relate here, not being the most patient person either...but sometimes taking time even if you're in a hurry might be the fastest way to go."
-
Ash smirked. "You mean like Rick says about fixing the chopper--'If you ain't got time to do it right, you ain't got time to do it over'? Thanks a lot..."
"Actually," said Ali'ite, "we should be thanking you. I hear you saying without saying it that you fear your efforts have been wasted; they have not. Were it not for the actions of you and your mate, even a group pilgrimage like the one we are about to undertake might not do any good. This was the first time Na'vie has had dealings with anyone not of the People, and it is the Tawtute and the Dreamwalkers that she must understand if the world is to be put right. This isn't just a Na'vi problem this time. It affects everyone on the face of Eywa'eveng, and the Tawtute and the Dreamwalkers suffer just as much as the People. Likewise, the solution lies with all three kinds. If you had done nothing else, you two gave Na'vie a clearer understanding of the Tawtute at their best and at their most broken...and I believe Enya has the Dreamwalkers covered on both counts." She chuckled.
-
"And on a more practical level - I don't think anyone of the People could have gotten the crystal shards out of the place the Tawtute kept them," Ka'hi added, her tanhi flickering slightly in something almost close to fear at the thought of a group of Na'vi having to sneak into this strange, alien and hostile place.
Ni'ka hadn't been close to Hell's Gate, but she had seen the place where Tsanten had been found. Yes, when she saw it on one of her scouting trips it had been already destroyed by the Alpha, but still all the straight lines had made her feel uncomfortable. And that had been a place of good Tawtute, not the ones who were trying to destroy her home. So the huntress understood Ka'hi's almost-shiver, and she nodded to the young Tsahik's words.
"It is like that in a Clan," Mohani said with a smile. "Everyone has their tasks and skills. You have fulfilled a lot of tasks that couldn't have been done without you. Now it's time for you to rest and leave some other Clan members to their tasks. Don't worry, there will be a time when your skills are needed again, and it will probably be sooner than we all can tell now."
"Like in a hunt," Ni'ka guessed. "There's a time for the scouts and trackers, a time for the hunters to go out - but when we come back, the cooks and gatherers and crafters take over and we can rest."
-
"For that matter," said Maru, "who is to say that your Tawtute form isn't the best one for scouting in a place like that? Ka'hi can't see any of us going there, and I can't see any of us getting away with it if we did. Even if we did not attract attention, surely the Tawtutes' spaces are made for people their size. That's no place to be stuck if you don't already know your way around... So maybe that one time, your smaller body was the only one which could have pulled it off at all. You and your mate, being small and creeping like treewees in the shadows... If you haven't noticed, the People have a distinct tendency to glow in the dark." He gave the group a half-smile, one that Ash found herself returning in spite of her fretfulness.
Ali'ite's brows lifted; apparently she hadn't considered the thing from that angle. She still didn't understand why her mate had sent Ash as a human the first time; but for the second trip, the tunnel raid, being Tawtute had been Ash's own choice...and, for more than one reason, a good one.
"There's another thing," she said, "and it applies to your situation now as much as it did then. No one in a body like ours could have safely handled the crystals at all. No one. Perhaps the venom doesn't affect a Dreamwalker the way it does a Na'vi, but I doubt the demon's heart itself is bothered by such a fine distinction.
"On this journey, we are taking the fragment which was removed from your arm. The thing still lusts after you, and I don't want you any closer to it than absolutely necessary in either form. You say time is of the essence, and you speak the truth. But I believe the Blessing might have bought you a little more of it, enough for both your selves to heal...or did you think poor Seze could make a trip of any length in the shape she's in now?"
Ash frowned a bit, suddenly thrown off. "Umm, Seze...?" she asked. "Who's 'Seze'?"
Ali'ite chuckled. "Why, your Dreamwalker, of course," she explained. "Tali told us the name you gave her...and I finally got someone to tell me what a 'sprout' is. I think 'Blue Flower' suits her rather well, don't you...?" By then, she was practically beaming.
Ash had to grin. "I...I suppose it does!" she replied.
-
If Ash was smiling, Ni'ka was beaming as much as Ali'ite now. "Oh yes!!! It fits her so well," she deeply agreed with the Tsahik's choice of a name. "This morning in the hot springs you were swimming in clothes of the People, and now your Dreamwalker has a name of the People!" And names were important, everybody knew that. The first sense of her coming back to herself had been remembering her name.
To Ni'ka 'Sprout" had been always more of a nickname, like something a mother might give her baby before it was born. But now 'Sprout' had grown out of that, becoming an important part of Ash's personality and, yes, she needed a proper name - and now she had it. And given by a Tsahik, no less!
Then her eyes widened as she thought of the rest of Ali'ite's words. "You will take that shard along?" she asked, concerned, biting her lip. "Yes, I think it would be better if Ash and that thing don't come close for a while." She remembered the first days after fighting off Vrrtep's influence. "It's hard, those first days fighting off the Red," she said. "It doesn't want to let go."
-
Ash bit her lip again, the moment's merriment dissipating; then she sighed. "I guess that answers that question, huh?" she said resignedly, distancing herself a little. "I don't know why you people put me through all that just now if the very basic issue of safety disqualified me from the first. You know I wouldn't do anything to endanger my Avatar, not on purpose; and as it is, Enya's already tanned my hide and tacked it to the wall about neglecting her for days under the mistaken impression that she'd be safer at home on her sleeping-mat. Brenda set me straight on that; she said as long as I shared like I was supposed to, Spr--umm, Seze would have at least as good a chance of surviving this as I do. I believe her. The crap in my human body is already affecting this one long-distance, and travelling with the shard--especially when she's undernourished--is just asking for trouble.
"But you guys have known or suspected this all along. So why the grilling? Why the Q-and-A? Why all that stuff about talking me into staying home for other reasons? Was that some kind of test? Would it have changed anything if I'd passed? It would still be dangerous to both of me."
-
That was a valid question, Ni'ka thought. The Tsahiks had tested both of them, even though they knew that the shard would go to the Heart this time - a thought Ni'ka herself wasn't very comfortable with, traveling that close to something that had been part of Vrrtep's prison. So she eyed the group of Tsahiks intensely, wondering what had been the reason. Because there *had* to be a reason; no Tsahik ever did something without a reason. A whole group of them even less.
Mohani sighed. "I know, it might have looked to you that way. But we didn't 'grill' you to make you feel uncomfortable." She chuckled quietly. "Although I know that being asked about so many things feels that way to many people." She got serious again. "No, what we needed to find out was, what would be more dangerous for you and your spirit? Waiting for a few more days to go to the Heart - because you *will* be going, you need to - or taking the risk to send you and the fragment along on the same journey?" She looked around at the others. "Me, I think you will hold on for a while longer. Your spirit is strong and you've fought off the demon's bad influence for a good while already, even if it doesn't completely want to let go yet."
-
"Ah," Ash uttered, nodding sagely in a parody of one who has just achieved Enlightenment, though of course she didn't feel she'd done anything of the sort. But she did give it some thought. "Yes, you were saying that the question was whether I'd be coming along on this trip or a later one... Okay... Still, you could have mentioned that travelling with the shard was a bad idea; it'd've saved me getting my hopes up."
'Ohana crooked a brow. "Child, were your hopes actually 'up'? Ever? It has not seemed so to me. You came braced for a denial, a rejection... Why? You don't have to answer that unless you wish to; these times don't make for merry hearts. But your request is not being rejected. It is only being delayed. We have not said 'No', only 'Not yet.' Your safety is one reason. I don't know if there are others. But for my part, from the way you talk about the situation, you really could use a break."
Ash couldn't honestly argue with that. "So what would you suggest as a hold-me-over? Ask Rick, ask anyone--I'm trouble when I don't keep busy," she said with a little frown, not liking the fact.
Ali'ite smiled. "I don't know, dear; maybe a few more visits to the hot springs?"
Ash almost exploded. "You mean you've been spying on me all morning?? So Ru'ni, the healers, everyone...you sent them to keep an eye on me?? That's just...just..." Her eyes flashed, but the rest of her reply was lost in her sputtering. "You...you deserve whatever I would have said just now if I hadn't choked it down first!" she finally spat.
The Tsahiks just weathered the outburst until Ali'ite judged that the Dreamwalker's ears had opened sufficiently again. "No, dear, we were not spying on you," she said bemusedly. "But you came in damp and mellow, and I can't think of anywhere else you might have gotten wet unless it's raining in my family's nook. And as for anywhere else you might have gotten unwound, why, I don't think there's anywhere else in the world at all..."
-
Ni'ka blinked at Ash's outburst in confusion, but waited until Ali'ite had spoken. "Ummm... Ash..." she started carefully. Even if she had been less empathetic than she actually was, she would have noticed that Ash didn't take the idea of a delay any too well. "Don't you remember? I've told them how much I loved the hot springs out there and how much they helped me to warm up body and spirit."
"That you did," Ka'hi agreed, smirking slightly. "And the thought that the two of you have been there together shouldn't have been too far fetched. Especially as the two of you are still damp, as Ali'ite said." She eyed Ash's clothes - the ones the Dreamwalker was wearing now and the still wet ones she had worn for swimming - as well as the wet blanket-towel Ni'ka had dropped at her side.
-
Now the only red on Ash's features was in her ears. "Oh...umm...yeah, right. My bad..." she stammered. "Umm, you guys do know that I can make an idiot out of myself just fine, don't you? Don't answer that..."
And they didn't. Instead, Ali'ite returned to the original question. "As we were discussing..." she said benignly, spreading her arms in a gesture that dismissed Ash's budding embarrassment just as easily as it had come. "I think you wanted some suggestions on what to do with yourself while we're out...?"
"Yes, ma'am," Ash responded quite a bit more humbly. "I can't just soak for three days or a week or however long it's gonna be..."
"No, I think you have more important things to do," the Tompa'tanhi Tsahik replied. "Pleasant ones, I think, but they'll be a bit of work... Getting to know Enya, for example; or getting to know Seze; or communing with Rick; or mending fences with Tangek--and maybe ordering him and 'Iheyu to report to the pools...without their children." Her smile and twinkling eyes were full of mischief.
-
"I like the idea of sending 'Iheyu and Tangek to the hot springs," Ni'ka said. "They deserve a bit of time to relax." The hint of mischief in her eyes very well matched Ali'ite's, but there was also warm affection in there for her adoptive mother and the healer who were just about to form a deep bond.
She tilted her head at Ash. "Remember how we have talked about making the camp look more natural? That could fill in for a lot of those things - you will get familiar with Sp...Seze, share ideas with Enya...just be part of our Clan without any urgent task looming in the background."
She wasn't quite sure if she should include herself in those activities; Ali'ite's words had sounded as if Ni'ka would be coming along this time.
-
"'Our Clan'...right," said Ash, as if she didn't quite see their little group that way. She looked at everyone, Ali'ite especially, as this related to something her mate had said. "Ra'nah told me something like that; I was saying stuff like 'What Clan would want me?', and Ni'ka said that four of us--five, counting Brenda--had been touched by the Red and broken free. I guess that makes us a Clan, kind of, right? Ra'nah seemed to think so. I'd told him about all the times someone at the shack was there for me--aiding me, upholding me, forgiving me, and in Kenten's case even keeping me from killing myself--twice. But...except for me sticking by Rick's side while he Changed, that's all about what people have done for me. What have I done for them to deserve to be a part of that, that they'd miss me for it if I didn't come home some night?" she asked anxiously. "I've been a pain in the ass, that's what, and the healers especially don't need the extra work. But Ra'nah is convinced that they carry me in their hearts... What can I say to that? How do I let them in? How do I even face them when I go back? What do I tell them?"
-
"Ash, that's not true!" Ni'ka shook her head with emphasis. "You did do things...for me, of course, and you will always have a spot in my heart. Without you I wouldn't be sitting here. And there's Rick, of course he cares. And then Tangek - he might be irate with you at the moment, but he'll never forget that you helped Tsanten when he was in so much pain."
She hesitated. Ash's problem with opening up to others was completely alien to Ni'ka. Back in her lowest moments, when she had almost lost herself, it had been opening up to others that had helped her. Still, she wanted to help Ash, even if she wasn't sure how. "You are part of the Clan, and that means you have a spot in all our hearts. Even if sometimes people might think you're a pain in the txim to them. That doesn't make them stop Seeing you as part of us all." How could she explain to Ash that she could be a part of the network if she'd just let it happen? "You don't have to do much," she suggested. "Just sit with everyone at the fire. Listen to them talk and then give back in talking too, about the things that are important in your heart and your spirit."
-
Ash pondered for a moment. "Like the one time, the first time we all got to have dinner together and really talk?" she asked Ni'ka, then shared it with the Tsahiks. "There was a lot to that meeting--me and Rick finally sharing Na'vie's secret openly, since Enya had already gone and spilled the beans anyway; Tangek telling us we'd better be ready to share the 'hero' role with Brenda and anyone else who allied with us; Tangek again, demonstrating 'talespeech' by making Tsanten's story into an epic; Enya showing us her insanely clever code-string... Those are the things that stand out to me. I haven't taken a poll or anything; I don't know what most of the others remember as stand-out moments. But Tiye told me that the most real thing she'd ever seen or heard from me was when I sang that little song from when I was wee-small...'You Are My Sunshine'. She said that was the first hint that any of them had gotten that there was a warm, real person under the uptight attitude, and that she'd like to get to know that person... Like that?"
"Just so," Ali'ite nodded. "How did that feel for you, hearing that? Do you remember?"
Ash blushed a little, smiling at herself. "Embarrassed as hell, to begin with; I just wanted to crawl back into my little specimen drawer and be Ash the Scientist again. But then...well, when she said she thought she'd like me, it warmed me inside. Made me really wonder what I was missing... I want to be liked; everybody does. But you have to know how conflicted most humans are. We all want to be remembered, but very few of us really want to be known. It's too scary, letting others inside. I'm scared that way...really scared. But between that bonfire and the few times I've had anything like it happen since, I have to admit that a big part of me really yearns for that kind of experience...like our talk in the cabin; like Bonding with Kilvanä; like Enya forgiving me...or like the peace and the sense of belonging I felt in the pools. Yeah, those. Ni'ka got to talk about her time there, and I thought for sure I was gonna get a turn, but we sort of got main-tracked..." She pretended to pout, secretly rather pleased with herself for coming up with an opposite for 'sidetracked'.
"See, it was the same way for me there as it was for Ni'ka," she continued. "The warmth seeping into my bones and warming my spirit too. I was just kind of floating on my back, surrounded by peace and warmth; and...thoughts filtered into my head that I can't really explain except the way Enya does: That I was forming a space in my soul for that place, and that it seemed to be forming one for me, and that each of us would carry the other for all time. That's what I was thinking of when I was trying to hold my temper just now. Okay, nothing's foolproof; I still contain fear and rage and hurt. But I imagined the river carrying it away, now that I've learned what 'carrying away' feels like..."
The others nodded, noting not only the things the Dreamwalker was saying, but the fact that she had enough insight now to say them. Had the pools changed her that much...or had all she needed been the chance to let her mind drift and see what came of it?
-
"I think that's all there is to it," Ni'ka said quietly about Ash's idea about opening up. "Just be yourself. Not the scholar, not the one who wants to make up to anyone; just Ash. Rick's mate, the one who showed me the meaning of the word 'friend' again. The one learning from Enya about gardening. Maybe Tawtute are scared to let others inside, I don't know for what reason...but there's no reason to be afraid to let the People inside." She smiled faintly. "It's what kept me sane and fighting against the Red, you know? Allowing you and Rick and everyone else in, it kept the Red out." The smile got a bit more confident now. "And if you don't get it right the first try, it doesn't matter. We all need to practice something."
Ka'hi was also thinking of the experience at the hot springs. "Try to keep that feeling in mind," she suggested. "The warmth, the floating as well as the feeling of your anger and fear and hurt being carried away. That and the help of your part of the Clan at your camp might not only help you over the time until it's safe for you to travel to the Heart, but might also already start some healing."
-
Ali'ite smiled. "Then you have known that feeling before today," she surmised. "The being part of something, and the desire for more of that and closer in. I'm sorry if we've disguised it in lofty terms like 'the Unity' and 'connectedness'... But you've done this, Ash. You're not a complete stranger to friendship, neither the giving of it nor the receiving. A novice, yes. But not a stranger. You've had a few forms of that experience you can now call upon when you need them to show you the way. Just keep reminding yourself of that and it might not be so scary."
" 'k," said Ash, Enya-wise. But her shy smile rapidly faded as she pondered the new particulars of her situation. "Look...I'm tired of alienating everyone," she said. "I'm tired of being a stranger. I was really hurt by the look I got last time I came back to the shacks; it was like everyone went 'Uh-oh...we'd better watch ourselves...' I don't want to be the party pooper anymore. I don't want the conversations, the activities, the life in that place to stop when I show up. But they do, and it's because nobody feels that they can be themselves as long as I'm hanging around looking for excuses to get upset. Yeah, I've caught myself doing that a few times, even today... I've really punished them verbally every time I didn't think they were measuring up. And here I am wondering why they keep their private thoughts from me...
"But there it is. That's the mess I've made for myself over there. I don't know how to explain to Rick that I'm not going. I don't know how to explain it to the others, either--they're really counting on this trip to straighten me out. And I'm coming home too soon with my tail between my legs and the Red still in my eyes... That's not the position I wanted to be in when I started mending those relationships."
Maru managed a smile that didn't come across as the least bit mocking. "If you're worried about your tail, you could always leave Seze here..." he said mildly.
"Thanks a lot," Ash grumbled back.
-
"If she did that, Enya would have her hide again," Ni'ka smirked. "For leaving Seze behind... By the way, my tsmuke will love the new name!"
She focused on the concerns Ash had mentioned. "First of all, I don't think you'll have to explain much to Rick," she began. "He won't be happy, true, because he's worried about what the Red did to you, but he sure won't blame you for that. And the others..." She sighed. "It's true, they won't be happy either, because things have been strained at the camp, especially with Tangek."
"This could be your first try to open up to people," Mohani said softly. "Most of what we were talking about today isn't a secret if you don't want it to be. Tell them what we have been talking about. Tell them that we See your need for healing, but that we also See that - even though for you it might not yet feel that way - you have made the first steps on that way. And tell them that your pilgrimage isn't called off - just delayed until you can make it to the Heart without having to travel together with the cursed shard."
"'Iheyu and Tangek are healers," one of the other Tsahiks added. "They won't want to jeopardize one of their patients - and one of their patients you are."
"Nobody said it would be easy," Mohani now continued. "You probably will feel 'embarassed as hell' again, but as far as I remember nobody ever died of embarassment. And I've seen quite a bit over the years."
-
"You need to talk to Rick, then," Ash said dryly. "He says the only thing that can kill a drill sergeant is embarrassment..." And then she had to explain what a drill sergeant was.
"And as for Tangek," she continued, "the last time I ticked him off was right after he came back from flying off in a rage from the time before that. If I was him, I'd ditch me; he'd only be following Tiye's example, and she flat-out did resign as my healer. Yes, in so many words! She said the strain of our relationship was getting in her way and becoming bad for my health. And Kenten's not a healer, but he's positive that I'm gonna have another outburst, and I don't have to tell you how the folks over there are going to feel about that. Everyone else is in wait-and-see mode...but what they're waiting to see is if going to the Heart in my Avatar makes things any better. If I don't even go, I doubt they're going to put up with much more of me...and I can't expect any leeway if I go off on them again."
She sighed. "I think for now I'm just gonna tell them it's a bad idea for me to travel with the shard. I don't dare tell them I've changed any or that things are gonna be different. They won't believe me. I've said that too many times. I've never experienced such a lack of trust..." She hung her head. "I think, for this time, the less I say, the better."
-
Ni'ka loved Ash dearly as a friend, but she knew that a lot of the things Ash feared held a lot of truth, even if some points might be a bit exaggerated - probably looking like worse obstacles when seen through the glasses of Ash's fear. And, to be honest, Ni'ka was running out of ideas and words. "Maybe it's about you trusting them this time...?" she started, but wasn't really convinced about that approach.
Her ears drooped - she was trying her best, but it seemed it was not enough. But after all, she was a huntress, not a healer or a Tsahik or even a Tsahik's helper; and what was more, she still needed to sort out so many things in her own life and spirit. Her ears drooped some more when she realized that, as much as she wanted to help, she might have reached her limits.
"Oh child," Mohani sighed. "You really are anything but an optimist, aren't you? You said it yourself, and you'll do anything to prove that claim. So, maybe they won't believe your words because you've said them many times before. Seems it's time then to show, not tell. If they don't believe your words, they might believe your actions over time."
Ka'hi, on the other hand, wasn't quite as patient as Mohani. She gave Ash a glance that contained all her frustration. "Ash," she said, her voice straight and clear, "you want and need healing, that's true. And you will get it. But there's also a part you have to do yourself - you will have to look into your companions' eyes again, so..." She took a deep breath: "So for the love of Eywa: We are all trying to help you, but we can't do it without you doing your part. And for now this part means facing the people that share your place."
Ni'ka winced. The Tsahik's words had been true and maybe even necessary, but not exactly kind either. But, well - maybe that was exactly what Ash needed? They had tried with understanding, they had tried with kindness; maybe clear, strong words would do the job where everything else had failed?
-
Predictably for anyone who knew her, Ash stiffened at the rebuke. Whatever she'd learned today, she still saw herself as the same basic person, and the view wasn't always pretty. Today she'd had to acknowledge any number of weaknesses: self-importance, pride, jealousy, rash speech, impulsiveness, isolationism, paranoia and a martyr complex, just to name the ones that had manifested this morning. And now a Tsahik of the People was basically telling her to stop whining and deal with the harsh realities of her position...and she didn't like it one bit.
"All right..." she said slowly and acidly. "You know, no matter how hard I've tried today, you people just keep on coming up with new ways to make me look like an idiot. To rub my nose in my own messes. Never mind that I'm my own worst critic... Just what do you think you can say to me that I haven't already said to myself? So if you people are quite done humiliating me, I think I'll just pick up and go home now... I mean, what the hell, if I know I'm gonna burn anyway I might as well get it over with, right?"
But Ali'ite's look and voice were quite as firm as Ka'hi's. "She speaks truth, you know," she said evenly. "There are things we can help you with, yes. But in the end, we can't do it for you. We cannot deliver you from your situation. Only you can do that. It is very painful to face up to people you have wronged. They may or may not forgive you...but that's their problem. Your problem is summoning the courage to make the attempt. You cannot control how others react to you. But you most certainly can control what you do and say and how you choose to think about things. And don't tell me it's the shard! That's just a smokescreen; you know how to calm yourself; we've sat right here and watched you do it. Take responsibility for your own actions and you won't need to fear casting the blame for your troubles on anyone who doesn't deserve it...yes, sometimes including yourself."
On the surface, Ash reacted to this by looking as if she'd just been spanked; but underneath the display, she was thinking...thinking...
Ain't no way out but forward.
~ Brenda,~ she thought to herself, ~ remind me to hug your neck before I break it... ~
-:-
-
Once they'd finally left the Tsahiks' corner, Ni'ka was full of very mixed emotions. A good part of her was happy that she'd get the chance to go on her own pilgrimage to the Heart, hoping to get the healing her spirit needed so sorely. On the other hand she felt bad for Ash. It had been Ash who had needed most to go to the Heart. Initially Ni'ka had only wanted to fly her to Hometree, with a faint hope that maybe she'd get a chance to talk to one of the Tsahiks about her own troubles. Surely she hadn't expected this outcome of the visit: Not only would Ni'ka go to the Heart and Ash wouldn't, Ni'ka would also have to let Ash face the people at the camp on her own.
And then again: Probably Ash hated the outcome, but in the long run it might be what she needed. The Tsahiks could still See into someone's spirit...and sometimes the medicine needed for healing just tasted terrible.
The huntress wondered if Ash would still manage to carry some of the peace along she had found this morning. She looked sideways, giving her friend a tentative smile. "I'm sorry," she said. "This didn't turn out the way we hoped."
-
"Me and my big mouth..." Ash growled, glowering to hide her tears. "It always happens that way--I try to be honest about my feelings and it blows up in my face! 'Open up to people,' they say. 'Just be yourself,' they say. And the minute I confess to being angry or hurting or scared, BOOM!--I'm on my own again. Bloody...Frickin'...Hell...!"
-
Ni'ka shook her head. "No...no, that's not true. Nobody blames you for being angry or scared." She turned to Ash, taking the Dreamwalker's hands in hers, her silver eyes looking very serious. "It's just that...that...some things just need to be faced, no matter if you're scared or angry. And the Tsahiks - they care, they listen, they help, but sometimes their help can look strange now and then. Like a healer's potion - sometimes it tastes like Nantang piss, but in the end it helps."
She made a face. "Although in that case I'd say: scratch Nantang and replace with Palulukan. They're bigger."
-
Ash gave Ni'ka a bug-eyed look, and she couldn't help a barking laugh. "Nantang...piss? You've tasted Nantang piss?? You must have, or you couldn't compare medicine to it... Oh, great...and I get the supersized version!"
Then she blew out a sigh. "I know what you're talking about, though. Remember me telling Tiye about having a blood sickness? The treatments for that are nasty, hard on your body, and sometimes made me wish I'd just stuck with the disease... I had that all the way until I came to Pandora, Ni'ka. Just eight years ago. We found plants and animals here that could help me get rid of the sickness. You know, it takes five years without a recurrence before they'll say you're cured...which means I've only known I was clean for three years. Just three. And when that...thing...started corrupting my arm, I thought the sickness had come back. That's the first thing I told Rick, was that maybe it was the illness--and this is how bad that disease is, Ni'ka, that the shard in my arm only felt the same way. So he's scared I'm gonna relapse, and I'm scared I'm gonna relapse, and that's even if the crystal hasn't weakened my body permanently, and...and I don't know what's gonna happen then, what I'll do..."
She inhaled sharply, the beginnings of a sob. "I've had it with this, Ni'ka; I've had it with the tradeoff between pain and fear of pain, which is about the only 'balance' I've ever known in my life," she said, her eyes brimming.
-
Ni'ka's eyes widened at the description of Ash's sickness and how harsh the cure for that illness was. And Ash had to go through that as a child? She stepped closer and gave the other woman a short, tight hug.
But then she looked at her again. "And still you beat it all," she said. "The illness, the cure, even the shard in your arm. Sure, it left scars, like every fight does. We all show traces of our fights." She held up one of her hands - much better, but still different from a 'normal' Na'vi hand. "Inside and outside. They show we've frickin' survived!"
Now her eyes turned pleading. "Ash, you've come so far, there have been so many good things as well. Small ones like floating in the hot spring; big ones like finding friends, people who care, a mate who loves you. Don't say that pain and fear of pain are the only balance you had in your life."
-
"The only balance, Ni'ka," the Dreamwalker clarified. "I've had good things happen, and not just the ones you've said. But they're not part of my balance. There weren't enough of them, and the ones there were didn't last very long... So I've never learned how to handle the good things. Maybe that's what's happened to me every time I've blown up today--it was always after something nice was offered to me, either good news or friendship or encouragement. It's like some part of me is daring the good things to still be there after I give 'em a good hard scare. And they keep going away; and if they don't on their own, I seem to drive them off myself... When something good happens to me, the main feeling I have is to not get too attached to it because I'm just gonna lose it again. Like I said--pain, or fear of pain. Loss, or dread of loss. See why I keep to myself? See why I don't let others close? Besides the fact that I am monstrously and unpredictably ill-behaved...just ask anybody at the shack."
She found a buttress to lean against and sat down with a sigh, the urge to cry having abated. "So here we are...I've upset everyone over there who gives a rip. And I have to make it up to them. A bad sickness, so to speak, for which I'll just have to take nasty medicine. And the 'treatment' is gonna take a long time, and there's no guarantee that the cure will be permanent...and I'm so tired of this pattern...and the Tsahiks are feeding me right back into it...and this time it affects people besides me."
-
"Then break it," Ni'ka said. "That pattern. Trust in those people - they might surprise you." After all, Ash was talking about Ni'ka's adopted family, and the Changed huntress trusted 'Iheyu and Tangek with her life. "Nobody says you have to blow up or drive good things away. No, there's no guarantee that the healer's potions will work and cure the sickness, but they won't even have a chance if you don't drink them."
Then she scowled. "And don't you say you are monstrously and unpredictably ill-behaved. I've seen true monsters - fpi Eywa, I've been one, and that has nothing to do with how you are. Not even when your eyes are flashing red and you're lashing out."
-
"Easier said than done," said Ash. "Not the 'trust them' part, although even that's gonna be a challenge...but how likely is it that they're going to trust me again? Right, I'm not in charge of their reactions, but...I dunno...it just sounds like I'd be dragging myself through a lot of unpleasantness for nothing. Or, let's say I behave myself well enough for long enough to be on good terms with them again...what happens the first time I snap at someone? Even regular people who have not been infected by a sliver of a demon's heart get mad sometimes. Tangek does it, 'Iheyu does it, even Enya does it. But when they do it, someone's always right there going 'What is it, dear? What can I do to help?' When *I* do it, it's just 'There she goes again' or 'Same shit, different day'..."
She turned to the dark-skinned huntress--once her ward, now her friend. "Ni'ka...I know I shocked you when I said that stuff about Enya this morning...but...haven't you ever loved someone to bits and envied them at the same time?"
-
That was a question to think about. Yes, Ni'ka had been shocked by Ash's words, wondering where they had come from - from the Red or from something in Ash herself. Now she thought of the explicit explanation Ash had just given for her strange reaction.
Finally she had to shake her head. "No. At least I can't remember it." A crooked grin appeared on her face. "And you know that there are still a lot of big holes in my memory. But," she went on, "I think I see what you mean. The little girl in you sees her free and playful, loved by all of us and without carrying the whole load of the world and the Red on her shoulders. You always had to carry a heavy load, even as 'evi. Of course that little girl in you is scared and upset - and maybe envious." She made a face. "It's not as if there isn't a little girl in me too - most of the times she just wants to run home to Sa'nu to hide in her hug and not see anything of the world outside anymore."
She tilted her head to one side. "And with Enya being a child, that's what she does - play, laugh, sing, run to Sa'nok... She's a child, she doesn't have to act grown-up if she doesn't want to. I still would never envy her anyway. There's been so much hurt in her life, and I'll never forget how she went 'wee-small' inside and her spirit went to the Heart. She lost her Soul-friend, one half of herself. I can't even begin to understand how that must be."
She paused a moment, then went back to Ash's comment from before. "And about getting mad...well, I think it's the 'sometimes' that makes the difference. Everyone snaps now and then, but people usually have a reason for it. When Atreyu lashed out at everyone in the longhouse there was a reason for it, and the help of the other people there at least lessened the pain. But you did not only do it much more often, so many times people didn't know when or why, but sometimes there didn't seem to be a reason--it just happened out of the blue." Ni'ka looked sad now. "And you didn't let people help you. I think most people just don't know what to do and how to help you anymore."
One of her ears then perked up in careful optimism. "But now you do let people help you. You start listening, you see things that go wrong and try to change them. That's different from how it's been before, you know?"
-
Ash closed her eyes, leaned her head back against the buttress and pondered that for a good long while. When she finally brought her head up, her expression was soft and sad and more than a little wistful. "I think..." she began tentatively. "I think I want to be that little girl, the one I never got to be; one like Enya, just running around being loved and being free... But that's what Ra'nah and the Tsahiks recommended too, isn't it? That's why they're sending me home... And maybe I'd just better do like Mohani says and, you know, listen to Enya and to whatever she awakens in me. She's forgiven me, at any rate...and we all know that being seen with Enya grants you a free pass--just ask Brenda!"
Then she eyed Ni'ka intently. "And I ought to be ashamed of myself for even pretending to suffer compared to what you and Brenda and Enya and Tsanten have been through. I've been a sickly child and a frail adult. But I always had my parents and the doctors and the different charity groups who paid my hospital expenses and made sure I had toys and treats. I complained about being cut off just now; Enya's been cut off for reals--she's never gonna have her mom again, never gonna have that relationship, that Soul-friendship...that particular brand of love. You and Tsanten won't ever be the same again either, and I don't know about him, but you're pretty sure you can't go home again. And my childhood was positively pampered compared to Brenda's. You know what she told me? --She slit her first throat when she was barely in her teens. I can't even imagine... And yet she still talks to people--okay, grudgingly and only because she absolutely has to, but...she has said some really beautiful things. How she held onto that after losing not just her family and her tenderness but her very homeland... And then Enya shows up and it turns out Brenda didn't even lose her tenderness."
She stood up with a grin. "Okay, Ni'ka, I'm all done feeling sorry for myself...for now; you know how I backslide!" She took the dark Na'vi into her arms in a long, warm, tender embrace, then stepped back and brushed away a stray wisp of the huntress' hair. "And...I hope for the best for you," she said. "You'll be fine, sweetie...honest."
-
Ni'ka smiled brightly, answering the hug with one of her own. A decent-sized rock slid off her heart, noticing that something she had said in those last minutes, hopefully together with the insights Ash had gained that day, had done the job to bring some of Ash's hope and optimism back. "Mohani said wise words there," she agreed. "Following Enya's lead in being a child is one of the best things you can do. She's an expert there, and what she doesn't know, Tali will fill in."
She squeezed Ash's hands. "You'll be fine too, I know it!" Then she took a deep breath, knowing that now the time for parting ways had come. Ni'ka herself had to go back to the Tsahiks, preparing for her journey physically and spiritually. Some of that would include telling Lor that she wouldn't fly but walk and ride together with the Tsahiks. Ash, on the other hand, would need to meet with the warriors who would be her escorts and protectors on the way back to the camp.
So now Ni'ka stepped back, putting a hand on her heart and bowing slightly. "Travel safe, ma'Ash," she said. "We'll meet again soon. And give everyone over there a hug from me, especially Enya."
-
"I will do that," Ash promised. "Especially the 'hug Enya' part... And you make sure the Tsahiks take good care of that badge and key; I don't have to tell you why. Tell Na'vie 'Hi' from both of us...and tell her to hang in there, that the next time we visit it'll be just to spend some time together...and that the good people on my world know what's going on now...and...OH!" She almost jumped, then pulled forward her queue. "And...as long as we're sending things that have someone's spirit all over them...take this." She removed the little ornament on the end. "Was it you or Tali who put it on Seze? I don't know, and she isn't saying..." She winked. "But Enya made it, and I've been wearing it since even before my first visit to the Heart, and...well...maybe it's got a bit of me all over it too. That'll just have to do until I can see Na'vie again in person..."
She hugged Ni'ka again, then stepped back. "And now I guess I'd better go apologise to Ali'ite--I can't have her going away all mad." She smiled again, misty-eyed; patted her friend on the shoulder; then turned her steps back towards the Tsahiks' meeting-chamber.